Leaving is hard; being left behind is even harder. Yep, welcome to the revolving friendship door that comes with the expat way of life…
As an expat who lived in Singapore for a decade, there were so many things to be thankful for. But uprooting your family to move to the other side of the globe can be a pretty tough gig. Early days are spent deciding between local or international school (the day of the expat package is mostly long gone), wondering whether to move into a condo, a house or something else, and trying to track down home comforts in the supermarkets of Singapore. But once all that settling-in noise has died down, you’re left with the realisation that you have no friends.
Being a Billy No Mates, I think we can all agree, sucks. So next begins the challenge of setting up a friendship network. Enter: trawling Facebook support groups for someone you feel a connection with, or simply stalking people around shopping malls (guilty). Thankfully, it’s pretty easy to pick up a friend here. But unfortunately, with the transient nature of the expat life, it’s holding on to those friendships that become the challenge…
Expat friendships: the highs and lows
Starting a new life in tropical Singapore is pretty overwhelming to begin with, but once the friends start rolling in, life is full of sunshine (mostly). But while making expat friends here is fairly easy, finding a BFF is tough… that final F part is tricky with so many expats here on just a short stint. You finally find a fellow mum to share your parenting highs and lows, only for them to up sticks and leave five minutes later! It’s tiresome, and having lived in Singapore for nigh on 10 years, I lost more good friends than I can count.
And let’s face it, as much as we all promise to speak every day via Skype etc, life gets in the way. Maintaining regular contact doesn’t always pan out the way you promised it would. What I thought would be lifelong friendships fizzled out with the tricky business of having half a world between us. And I was left feeling even more desperate to find someone who wasn’t going to uproot. It just wasn’t in the brochure that life could be so incredibly lonely in such a happy, sunny place…
A word of advice…
Don’t give up on making friends. Keep making new ones, even if they are just around for a short time. At least it guarantees there is a friendly face in a corner of the world for you to visit down the line. The highs DO outweigh the lows – fellow expats totally get how we feel because they feel the same. What’s more, friendships amongst expats tend to be accelerated here. Being in the same proverbial boat makes for fast but firm mates in the rapid-fire pace of Singapore. You can transition from stranger to regular coffee mate in record time!
But the best bet of all? Don’t put all your eggs in one expat basket! Step away from the confines of the school playground (and other expat mums!) when creating your friendship pool. And get out and about to make some local friends who are less likely to leave at the drop of a hat. Plus, your Singaporean buds always know where the secret best laksa joints are in town (and can order your kopi teh to save you being endlessly misunderstood!).
If all else fails, join adult workshops and classes (your local community centres will have lots going on), take part in team sports, or volunteer with local charities and organisations. You’ll not only make some fantastic friends, but you’ll also pick up new skills along the way…
What about the kids’ friendships?
It’s tough as an adult having a merry-go-round of friendships, but it’s even tougher on the kids. When my eldest (who went to an international school) was around eight years old, he declared he wasn’t going to bother making friends anymore. They all leave anyway, he said. As a kid who thrives in one or two close friendships (rather than a team of casual ones) he was the hardest hit over the years with the whole transient friendship thing.
My younger two both went to a local school so they didn’t experience the turnover of chums that their big brother had to deal with. I feel incredibly blessed that they had very consistent and close friendships throughout their education. As a result, they really embraced all that Singapore has to offer. They led a more traditional school life experience where their class lists stayed the same every year. Meanwhile, my eldest became quite blasé over the years about making friends. He hankered to go back to the UK where he could put down some roots. He wanted to be with people who could do awkward teenage stuff with him for the long haul. Not just a semester or two…
Tips for the kiddos
Again, it helps to make friends who are more likely to be here for the long term. And if that’s not possible with your schooling pick, then try joining sports teams, enrolling in local enrichment, art, drama or music classes. Get the kids volunteering, or simply get out into your nearest playground where kids can try and strike up new friendships (expats or locals!). Our neighbourhood playground had the same set of kids running riot in the evenings, and my own kids picked up plenty of mates that way. Even some mummy friends for me, too!
I’ll let the great Irish poet William Butler Yeats have the final word on why we should never let our transient expat friendships in Singapore bring us down. “There are no strangers here; only friends you haven’t yet met.”
There’s always a gem of a mate just around the next corner. And, if all else fails, resort to that shopping mall stalking activity: it totally works…
