Did you know that 13 to 19 May is Mental Health Awareness Week? We enlist the help of Singapore-based psychotherapist Tulika Sahai to explore mental health struggles being faced by parents and kids.
Being a parent in the 21st Century is not easy. Not only do we have modern challenges like juggling work and family life and keeping our kids safe online, but we also often have a constant irrational worry about their wellbeing. Much of that may be due to the traumas we still hold onto, so how do we refrain from letting it affect our kids? Psychotherapist Tulika Sahai answers this question with useful tools we can use with our kids.
You see your child in the playground by themselves and you can’t help but feel sorry for them. Many questions run through your head: “Why isn’t anyone playing with him/her? Are the other kids being mean?” And you go from first gear to fifth gear, wanting to save her or fix the problem for them.
This is a very common scenario. Our perspective of our children is often muddied by our own experience. You recognise in them who you are and who you were.
It can be painful to think that, despite your best intentions, you may find yourself transmitting your own stress to your child. But if you are dealing with anxiety and start to notice your child exhibiting anxious behaviours, the first important thing is not to get bogged down by guilt.
The good news is that you’re noticing, and that’s half the battle won!
Now for some tools to help you manage next time this happens:
Separate fact from feeling
An emotion is a subjective interpretation of the event. The fact is that your child is not playing with anyone. But are they sad or are they sulking? Or are you sad because, based on your experience, they should be playing with someone? Reflect on the situation and ask him/her questions like, “How did you feel?” and if the answer is indeed sad, you say, “I’m sorry you felt bad.” This will allow them to process their own feelings before you own their feelings.
Refrain from saying “Poor you.”
This sets them up for victimhood, and it’s also a reflection of what you think is right or wrong. It teaches that their role in life was to be a victim, which is unhealthy, and may set them up for more social anxiety and more expectations of rejection.
Recognise your child is their own person
Allow your child to own their actions and experiences, good and bad. In the park situation, perhaps they did something wrong. Your role is to support her and give her direction. Running to their aid won’t help them grow in their own person. So start with a question like, “Did you have fun at the playground? Who did you play with?” Be curious, not judgmental.
One final thought, change your view of how you see your child: they’re not something you need to protect, they are someone you need to nurture and guide. The former will lead you to see them as ‘victims’ while the latter will inspire you to empower them.
Keep your eyes peeled as Tulika shares more useful insights in our ‘Ask a psychotherapist’ column! Follow her on Instagram for more.
