Is your kiddo a 'sore loser'? We're talking tears during UNO games and tantrums during Monopoly... Are family game nights filled with drama just because the kiddos can't handle the idea of losing? Here's how to help the little tykes come to terms with disappointment
Sore loser no more! Being the ‘sore loser’ is part and parcel of growing up. Here’s how you can help the kiddos learn to lose better each time.
Every get-together I have with my cousins features a little obligatory part where we rib my youngest cousin mercilessly for the occasions during our childhood when she got into such a huff for having to +4 (or more!) during UNO games or head into bankruptcy on the Monopoly board.
Sure, those memories make for laughs right now, but is it a cause for concern when I have to let my youngest nephew win a game of Ludo to prevent a meltdown? HoneyKids Mum Rohini also chimes in about this conundrum, sharing her experience:
“I have two little boys, and every time we gather as a family for a game of snakes and ladders or a round of UNO, the thrill of the game often gives way to a strong emphasis on winning. This focus carries over into sports like badminton or cricket. When our younger one misses a shot, though, brace yourself for a sudden and intense reaction – a racket or bat might be slammed on the floor, accompanied by tears. At times, he swiftly retreats to his room, locking the door behind him.”
Scrolling through my TikTok feed recently got me thinking: are we supposed to learn to be good at losing?
@goinggonemadd No one is spared when you play for gift cards #uno #giantuno #familygames #youngestofseven #hecouldbescarred
It’s not all fun and games – kids need to learn how to ‘fail better’
Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and we often handle situations as they come. We’re fixated on empowering kiddos with essential skills like swimming and learning to be independent, and it’s all well and good to be invested in their development. Growing up, ‘losing’ wasn’t even part of the lexicon in the skills my parents sought to inculcate in me. I don’t believe I was consciously taught to lose; instead, I went about accepting the idea of failing and learned to cope with its emotional fallout along the way.
Has it ever occurred to you that you should consciously teach your kids to handle losing like a champ, too? Is ‘losing well’ an actual skill to teach kiddos? In Smart Parenting for Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child’s True Potential, psychologists Eileen Kennedy Moore and Mark S. Lowenthal make a case for teaching kiddos to respond well to winning and losing.
It isn’t all about fun and games; the moments where kiddos act up in response to situations are ones where parents need to make the effort to help kiddos unpack their feelings and equip them with the necessary skills for navigating life. Often, it’s assumed that kiddos will learn to lose via sports or at school. However, it is something we can also help them to cope with consciously.
Why is losing so hard for kids?
Kiddos find it hard to understand ‘winning’ and ‘losing’. Developmentally, they don’t learn to play by the rules until they are around five. In school, losing and winning become part of their daily interactions. At what age can you expect kiddos to be a gracious loser? Experts say kiddos begin to grasp the idea of losing better by around nine years old.
So, there’s no one answer to why kids find it so hard to lose. The ‘why’ depends on the situation. However, we can understand how losing makes kiddos feel. Most of the time, they might not have the words to express their feelings, so keep that in mind when trying to understand the reasons for their behaviour.
Sense of powerlessness
Now, this ticks even adults off! Too often, as adults, we are assailed by this feeling in the wake of being passed up for a potential promotion or reading the news daily. Thankfully, as adults, we know what’s in our control and can channel our energies towards something productive. However, it’s a different ball game for kiddos. Losing can feel ULTRA disappointing because they were expecting themselves to win.
What’s the significance of winning or losing?
Sometimes, how kiddos respond to winning and losing can be all about what that means to them. For example, if they associate losing the game personally and take it to mean they are ‘bad’. You and I know that a simple mistake at work doesn’t mean you’re terrible, but it can be different for kids who cannot separate themselves from situations.
5 Simple ways to help your child cope better with losing
The world isn’t a bed of roses, so it’s best to help kiddos learn to lose ‘better’. How does one go about doing that? Here are some easy-peasy ways to help kiddos get better at losing:
1. Confronting your own beliefs about losing
How do you feel about losing generally? You might not realise it, but it can also colour your behaviour. It’s important to understand that ‘losing’, especially in sports and games, can be an effective means for kiddos to grow. Learn more about how this mama helped her kiddos face failure.
2. Reflect on how you compliment your child!
Who doesn’t love getting a compliment? It’s nice to hear people telling us how lovely we are, but can you compliment your child in ways that impact their self-beliefs? For instance, did you praise an outcome related to the kiddo’s behaviour instead of a behaviour? Maybe you could have said something: “You did a great job!”
Now, this sounds great, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t let the child know ‘how’ or ‘what’ was great about it. Instead of praising the outcome, get real specific with your compliments. So you can try saying, “Hey, I really like how you did this differently!” That way, the focus is always on kiddo’s behaviour – something that’s within their control.
3. Understand your child’s needs
Sometimes, it isn’t about losing, but how your child might feel impacts their reactions. So, check in with your child to figure out if he/she is exhausted or overstimulated, etc.
4. Play mock games where kiddos lose
Raise a better loser by demonstrating how to be a better loser! For example, why don’t you try to orchestrate games where you can model how a losing team can behave graciously? If there’s one thing we know, kiddos are always watching us… so this way, they learn how to behave graciously in similar situations. Rohini shares how this has worked with her two boys:
“Despite the inevitable meltdowns after each game (which are far from pleasant, as you can imagine), we persist in these activities as much as possible. After each episode, we make it a point to emphasise that playing a game should be a fun process and that losing is an inherent part of any game and life itself. It’s through losses that one can genuinely learn and grow.
A helpful trick we discovered to assist our older son in coping with losing is to set an example of fair play by demonstrating a game between only adults (with him watching). This included our friends, relatives, my husband, and me. Witnessing the laughter and jokes shared throughout the game, especially in the face of losing, opened his eyes in a big way. From the next game onwards, he began reacting in the same positive way.”
5. Read books on ways to overcome being a sore loser
We believe in the power of books to mould little ones, so we highly recommend getting stuck into some specific reads that help kiddos unpack what’s losing all about and ways to handle themselves better. Here are some titles that can help kiddos.
We all know about Humpty Dumpty, but here’s the next part: how he picked himself up and kept going!
With her teacher and mom’s help, Sally learns the rules for being a good winner and loser. She knows to say to herself, “I’ve won if I had fun!” Now, this is good to help young ones realise it’s about the journey, not just the expected outcome.
In this heartwarming tale, kiddos can learn from Rainbow Fish that it’s perfectly normal to lose and that it’s essential to be a good sport. Loss doesn’t make anyone lose their sparkle, especially not Rainbow Fish!
Recommended reading for parents:
- Smart Parenting for Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child’s True Potential by Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Mark S. Lowenthal
We hope these strategies help you in your parenting journey.
