Heard of the “Carrot and Stick” method? This parenting style basically rewards kids for good behaviour and punishes them for bad behaviour, but may not resonate with the kids of today.
For years, the “carrot and stick” approach has been a go-to parenting method. The idea is pretty straightforward: you reward kids for good behaviour (the carrot) and punish them for bad behaviour (the stick). This approach worked well enough in the past, giving parents a simple way to get their kids to follow the rules. But as a psychotherapist in 2025 I’m seeing families who are struggling; I can tell you that this old-school method just doesn’t cut it with the new generation of kids, and technology plays a big part in it!
Kids today are growing up in a world that’s very different from what we experienced. They’re more independent, more informed, and way more tuned into their emotions. So, let’s break down why the “carrot and stick” approach is falling flat, and what we can do instead to raise confident, well-rounded kids.
Understanding the brain: Why fear-based tactics don’t work
Recent research shows that the parts of the brain responsible for impulse control and decision-making don’t fully develop until adulthood. When parents use punishment, it triggers a stress response in kids’ brains, which actually makes it harder for them to learn from mistakes. Fear-based tactics take away a child’s sense of safety, which is essential for developing self-control and emotional regulation. Instead, by staying calm, being patient, and modelling positive behaviour, we support healthy brain development and encourage better choices over time.
Kids want to know “why” behind rules
The “carrot and stick” approach focuses on rewards and punishments, teaching kids to behave just to gain approval or avoid consequences. Today’s kids, however, are naturally curious and have access to endless information, which makes them more likely to question rules if they don’t understand the reason behind them. Over-reliance on rewards can also reduce intrinsic motivation. For instance, rewarding reading might lead a child to lose interest in it once the reward is removed. Nurturing their curiosity helps them find joy in activities for their own sake, promoting lasting motivation.
Emotional connection over punishment
The “carrot and stick” method doesn’t address the emotional needs of children. Kids today are growing up in a world that’s finally recognising the importance of mental health and emotional intelligence. Using punishment can backfire, leading to shame, fear, or resentment that can strain the parent-child relationship. A more effective approach is to connect with your child first. When children feel seen, understood, and loved, they are more willing to cooperate. Connection before correction encourages positive behaviour without the need for harsh consequences.
Self-esteem beyond rewards
The “carrot and stick” approach can send the message that a child’s value is based only on good behavior or achievements. When kids only receive praise for ‘winning’ or excelling, they may start to link their self-worth to accomplishments alone, creating fragile self-esteem that depends on constant approval. Instead, children need to feel valued for who they are. Celebrating their efforts, progress, and unique traits helps them develop a strong sense of self that isn’t easily shaken by mistakes or setbacks. This approach teaches kids that they are loved and valued, even when they fall short.
Authority as partnership
The old “power-over” approach, where parents have all the control, doesn’t resonate with today’s kids. Instead of commanding obedience, parents today see better results by collaborating with their children. Shifting to a “power-with” mindset — listening to kids’ views, involving them in decisions, and respecting their independence — creates an environment where they feel empowered. When kids have a voice and some control over their lives, they’re more likely to cooperate willingly and with respect.
The bottom line? Today’s kids are more aware, emotionally intelligent, and independent, which makes the “carrot and stick” approach less effective. Positive parenting methods like gentle parenting, conscious parenting, and positive discipline are becoming more popular as they focus on teaching life skills like empathy, problem-solving, and responsibility. These methods help children understand the reasons behind positive behaviour, building confidence and resilience that help them navigate the world.
By shifting from outdated tactics to positive parenting, we’re raising kids who not only behave well but thrive.
Keep your eyes peeled as Tulika shares more useful insights in our ‘Ask a psychotherapist’ column! Follow her on Instagram for more.
