We're often worried about our kids getting bullied in school. But what's a parent to do if we find out our child is being the bully? Psychotherapist Tulika Sahai shares how to navigate this.
Anita walked into my office, overwhelmed and upset. “My child is the bully,” she confessed after a call from the school revealed her son was targeting another student.
It’s one thing to worry your child might be bullied, but discovering they’re the one doing the bullying? That’s a whole new level of heartbreak. But remember, kids don’t bully because they’re “bad”. As clinical psychologist Jamie Howard, PhD, explains, “Kids often act out for reasons that don’t define who they truly are.”
Bullying is a behaviour, not an identity. How we label it shapes a child’s self-perception. Calling a child a ‘bully’ can trap them in that role, while focusing on ‘bullying behaviour’ acknowledges their capacity to change. Language matters — kids often rise to the expectations set by the adults around them.
The first thing to do is not to panic or blame your child. Instead, recognise that if your child is bullying, they might be struggling too. Their behaviour could be a cry for help, signalling deeper issues like anxiety, depression, or emotional difficulties.
Here are a few possible reasons why your child might be exhibiting bullying behaviour, and what you can do to help.
1. Low self-esteem
Your child might have low self-esteem, and bullying could be a way for them to feel a sense of power and control. They might even feel better being known as “the worst kid in school” rather than not being noticed at all.
What you can do: Try asking them open ended questions that give you an indication of where the issues might lie:
- “When you look in the mirror, what do you like about yourself?”
- “Can you remember a time when you were really brave?”
- “Which friends make you feel good?”
- “Are you still enjoying [hobby/sport]? Why or why not?”
2. Trying to fit in
Sometimes, kids act out because they want to fit in with a certain group. Being mean might seem like a way to gain approval or ‘street cred’.
What you can do: Get to know their friends and social circle. Who are they hanging out with? Who do they want to hang out with? What is it about these friends that makes them want to be part of the group?
3. Observe the home environment
Bullying is often a behaviour seen in someone who feels powerless. It’s possible that your child is witnessing or experiencing power struggles at home, even if unintentionally. Certain parenting styles can influence bullying behaviour. For instance, emotional manipulation or blaming a child for something beyond their control can make them feel powerless. Or permissive parenting, where you allow your child to do whatever they want, also teaches them that they can get whatever they want whenever they want.
What you can do: Parenting is hard, so be kind to yourself and remember you’re doing your best! Try practicing conscious parenting, which involves being aware of your own emotions and behaviour. The next time things get tense, take a moment to consider how your actions might be affecting those around you.
4. Potential bullying behaviours at home
Sometimes, kids see bullying behaviours at home (like yelling, name-calling, or putdowns) without us even realising it. They might then mimic these behaviours with others.
What you can do: Children often mirror what they see at home, especially up until their mid-teens. If you think there’s room for improvement in how family members treat each other, focus on creating a more positive and respectful home environment. And if something does go wrong, acknowledge your child’s feelings — whether they’re confused, sad, or angry — and let them know that while their feelings are valid, the behaviour they witnessed isn’t okay.
5. Unaware of their impact
Younger kids, in particular, might not realise that they’re bigger or stronger than others, or that their actions are hurtful.
What you can do: Communicate with them about what’s right and wrong. Help them develop empathy by discussing their feelings, reading stories about empathy, or encouraging them to help out in the community. You can also talk to them about current events to broaden their understanding of the world.
Bullying behaviours shouldn’t be taken lightly, and they should come with appropriate consequences. But it’s equally important to maintain an open, loving line of communication with your child. Ask open-ended questions about their life, and really listen to their answers. When they know you care about what’s going on with them, they’re more likely to build positive relationships with others.
Keep your eyes peeled as Tulika shares more useful insights in our ‘Ask a psychotherapist’ column! Follow her on Instagram for more.