How do you start respectful parenting, especially when you have older children who are used to your existing parenting style? Here’s what the educators from EtonHouse International School have to say.
You’ve just found out about respectful parenting and felt that the approach resonated with you. However, most of the resources you found apply to younger children, and you’re a parent of tweens and teens.
So here’s the thing: you’re keen to change your parenting style, but you’re not sure how to go about it. And most importantly, you’re not sure if your children would be receptive towards your new found parenting approach.
Recently, we discussed with EtonHouse International School’s educators, who are parenting experts, if it’s ever too late to start respectful parenting, especially when you have older children. The short answer is: no, it’s never too late to start. In fact, as one of our panellists pointed out, your children are likely to embrace this shift in parenting style!
You can watch the webinar right here. We’ve put in timestamps on each sub-topic, so you can skip to the parts that’s relevant to you.
Speaker introductions – 1.39
What is respectful parenting? – 5.51
Is it tougher to start respectful parenting with older children? – 9.52
Are there any differences when it comes to respectful parenting with younger children vs. teens? – 18.12
Tips and strategies for respectful parenting with teens – 23.28
What can parents do when boundaries are crossed, and the child remains defiant? – 28.07
How to support and reach out to children who are not receptive towards a switch in parenting style – 38.28
Q & A – 42.24
What you should know about respectful parenting with tweens and teens
1. Take time to understand your child’s perspective, which may be different from yours.
– Peter Dart
There’s a lot going on in our children’s minds, regardless whether they’re three or an actual teenager. What might seem clear and logical to us as parents may seem unfair and illogical to our children. So making sure we talk about their understanding of situations, and the expectations we have, is key to helping us respond in a valuable and respectful way. It takes lots of patience and tolerance, which will ultimately work towards an end goal that’s rewarding for your family.
2. There’s an underlying reason behind your child’s challenging behaviour.
– Ann Richardson
Challenging behaviour doesn’t just happen for no reason. As such, it’s worthwhile for us to try to understand why our children are behaving the way they are. Look for triggers, and be proactive in reducing stressors. Having a family essential agreement where everyone agrees on expected behaviours can help. Some things you can include into your family’s essential agreement are:
- We will always speak respectfully to one another
- We agree not to interrupt when someone else is speaking
- We will listen to and honour requests
Have everyone sign the agreement, then display it somewhere visible in your home so you and your children can refer to it when needed.
3. Parents need to practise self-regulation as well.
– Ann Richardson
Think self-regulation only applies to children? Think again. It’s normal to feel frustrated and upset when our children exhibit challenging behaviour or break boundaries. However, if we’re not intentional about our own self-regulation, hurtful things may be said in the heat of the moment. Your child will respond to even the slightest micro-facial expressions and voice you adopt. As such, they may become triggered too, resulting in everyone being upset. Remember: we all have the capacity to co-regulate another person by remaining calm, breathing deeply and slowly, as well as speaking softly. The best thing you can do in tough situations is to help your child calm down before discussing it with them. Have a toolkit of calming strategies for your child: going for a walk or a run, listening to music, having a hug, etc. Once your child is calm, you can start to discuss whatever that has happened and agree on the next action steps.
4. You are not alone in your respectful parenting journey.
– Peter Dart
You’ll never get all the answers and information on parenting in one place, so it’s important to research and implement strategies that will work for your family. Find and be a part of a supportive parenting community can give you invaluable insights and perspectives on respectful parenting practices. They may even help you find the necessary resources – be it webinars or podcasts – as well as share their personal experiences to help you further your own understanding.
Frequently asked questions about respectful parenting with tweens and teens
1. What can I do to manage my child’s excessive screen usage when they refuse to listen to advice?
This is an increasingly common situation in parenting circles. There are several steps to address this, but they require you to intervene in a clear way. Here are three tips to get started:
- Consider using parental control features on devices to limit access to certain apps or websites during study hours.
- Establish specific rules around screen time and study time by designating certain periods of the day as study time or screen-free time. Start small (about 15-20 minutes), and don’t expect a change or acceptance overnight. Even if your child is complaining, or just sitting and doing nothing, it’s still a good start as long as you’re consistent with your boundaries.
- Show your child the importance of balancing screen time by modelling healthy screen habits. This could be difficult for you to follow through, but it’s important for your child to see and model your behaviour.
Answered by: Peter Dart
2. How can we align our parenting styles with our partner or spouse, and is there any scientific evidence that we replicate our parents’ parenting styles?
Parenting styles are not genetically predetermined, but we can be influenced by childhood experiences of our parents’ parenting styles. This can become our default position unless we consciously try to change it.
To align your parenting styles, conscientious effort, commitment, and a shared vision for raising your family from both parents are required. Be mindful and reflective of your role as parents, discuss your reservations with each other, and outline what respectful parenting might look and feel like in your home. If your current parenting style is one of reward and punishment, consider introducing consequences for actions instead. Consequences are most effective when they’re linked to a child’s behaviour. For example: your child stays out later than their curfew with no valid reason, the ‘consequence’ you might want to introduce could be bringing their curfew an hour earlier until they can be respectful towards the agreed curfew time. Doing this teaches your child a valuable lesson, rather than sowing resentment through punishments.
Answered by: Ann Richardson
3. How can we confront our children about lies without straining the relationship?
There are many reasons why children choose to lie, and it’s important to know that they’re making the choice to lie for reasons that seem important to them. Take time to understand your child’s perspective of the situation. It may be tiring and frustrating, but it’ll show them that you care, and it’ll also help you understand them better. This may make your child more inclined to accept the consequences too. Some reasons for lying include:
- To avoid consequences because they’re scared of the physical and emotional impact from parents and social groups.
- To hide the truth which they perceive to be embarrassing or private, and they can’t bring themselves to share the details with anyone.
- To protect something they will or have gained (eg. extra time with friends), which seems more important to them than a parent’s disappointment or reaction.
Now that you understand why your child might lie, here are some tips on how you can handle the situation:
- Speak the truth as much as you can, so your child can learn by example and model honesty.
- Instead of shaming your child for lying, help them understand how dishonesty affects relationships.
- Set expectations and consequences that are clear and reasonable.
Answered by: Peter Dart
4. How can I support my child who is always forgetting instructions, even when they’ve been repeated many times?
There’s a possibility that your child may find it challenging to remember instructions. Consider whether this ‘forgetfulness’ could be a stress response, in which case your child’s capacity to process information is compromised. They could be experiencing a socially challenging time at school, or perhaps they struggle with sensory overload in their environment.
The first step is to help your child identify their stressors, then find ways to reduce their stress load so they can self-regulate more effectively. You can then help them remember routines and instructions with some visual aid, like a visual schedule rather than verbal reminders. Consequences may be introduced if you find that instructions are not followed deliberately. Discuss this beforehand so there’s a shared understanding of your expectations and the resulting consequences.
Answered by: Ann Richardson
This post is in partnership with EtonHouse International School and Pre-School.
Book a tour to learn more about EtonHouse’s approach to fostering your child’s growth in a bespoke boutique and respectful environment.
A big thank you to our panellists Peter and Ann from EtonHouse…
Peter Dart
Vice-Principal and PYP Coordinator at EtonHouse International School Broadrick
Peter Dart is a dedicated and experienced educator from Australia. His career in education has included 13 years in Australia and Hong Kong, in both public and private education from primary to and high schools. He received a Bachelors of Learning Management with Honours from Central Queensland University, Australia. In his career, he has served as a homeroom teacher, Rugby League coach, Head of the Arts Department, Head of Technology and Assistant Head of Primary Years Programme (PYP), along with contributing to various educational programmes. Peter endeavours to provide learners with the opportunity to explore their interests and inquiry into the world around them through collaborative learning and acquiring the skills that are necessary for the future. Peter is passionate about fostering inquiry-based learning and collaboration among students and educators. His passion for learning also includes a keen interest in using technologies to enhance learning experiences. In his role as Vice Principal and PYP Coordinator, he actively seeks innovative ways to incorporate technologies into the curriculum.
Ann Richardson
Inclusion and Well-being Coordinator at EtonHouse International School Orchard
Ann is an experienced Australian educator with a Master’s degree in Special Education from Monash University and Australian Catholic University. She has taught at Catholic and independent schools in Australia and international schools in Singapore, where she served as an educator and in leadership roles. As Head of Inclusive Education at EtonHouse, she is driven by her passion for personalised education and fostering positive learning experiences tailored to individual strengths and learning styles. With credentials as an Expressive Therapies Counsellor and Self-Reg Facilitator, Ann advocates for inclusion and provides tailored support for individual students. She believes in promoting respect, understanding, and effective communication with children and families. Beyond her professional pursuits, Ann enjoys travel, yoga, nature walks, and spending time with her children.
