Did you know that children begin expressing their gender identities around the age of two? Here’s our guide on how to talk to your kids about gender identity. Plus, we speak to an expert in positive sexuality for tips!
Nowadays, gender is not limited to “boy” and “girl”. The concept of gender identity has expanded so much that it can be intimidating to explain the topic to anyone, especially the kids. (As adults, sometimes we still find it challenging to talk about it with other adults!) But here’s the thing: kids are way smarter than we give them credit for (parents, you should know this…), so even if gender identity seems tricky, it can be done.
Here are our tips on broaching the concept of gender identity with the kiddos. We help debunk this difficult topic with expert insights from Dr Martha Tara Lee, an acclaimed expert in positive sexuality. Dr Lee holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality and a Master’s in Counseling and founded Eros Coaching in 2009. She’s an ally to the LGBTQIA+ and kink communities and the only AASECT-certified sexuality educator and supervisor in the region. Read on for more.
Gender identity: what it means and how to talk about it
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Defining gender identity and other terms
Why should you talk to kids about gender identity?
How to explain gender identity to kiddos
Age-appropriate ways to explain gender identity to kids
Books to help explain gender identity
Defining gender identity and other terms
ICYMI, we have briefly covered the meaning of gender identity in our LGBTQ+ glossary, but here is a refresher on the term and other related terms.
1. Gender identity
Who you are as a person on the inside. It could be male, female, or something else altogether. Remember, gender exists on a spectrum.
2. Gender expression
How you present yourself to the world. This can be through clothing, hairstyles, hobbies, mannerisms, etc. Masculine and feminine are, obviously, the most common gender expressions.
3. Gender stereotypes
Society’s expectations of how a person should behave based on their gender. For example, dollhouses and dresses are for girls, while boys are only allowed to play with trucks and toy guns.
4. Sex
Assigned at birth, sex is based on the genitals. If a child has a penis, they are male. They are assigned female if the child has a vagina/vulva.
It’s crucial to understand the difference between gender identity and expression, as people confuse the two terms a lot (don’t worry, it happens!). Someone’s gender identity and how they express themselves aren’t always the same. If your male child is into playing with trucks and painting their nails, that’s entirely okay!
Why should we talk to kiddos about gender identity?
We all want to raise kind and compassionate humans, right? That’s why it’s crucial to chat openly with our kids about the wonderful diversity of people, including gender identity. When we dive into these conversations, we give our kids the vocabulary and understanding they need to talk about themselves and others. Plus, it makes them more accepting and empathetic, which is a win-win for everyone!
Not only that, teaching kids about gender identity also opens the door to a more inclusive and empathetic world! It helps them understand and accept diverse identities, creating a welcoming environment for everyone. When kids grasp their own and others’ gender identities, they feel more confident and secure. It can seriously reduce bullying and discrimination, making schools and communities happier. Chatting openly about gender identity also boosts their communication skills, helping them express their thoughts and feelings. As the world gets more diverse, these conversations prepare kids to thrive and have a positive impact. And let’s not forget that understanding gender identity nurtures empathy and respect, turning them into kind and compassionate humans!
So… how do I explain gender identity to my kids?
Conversations about gender identity don’t have to be one big talk. It’s ideal to engage with your kids on this topic continually. Dr Martha Lee says, “It’s important to start discussing gender identity early in a way that aligns with your child’s developmental level.” This conversation is good to start as early as the preschool stage. However, it is important to start this conversation early and in an age-appropriate way.
1. Start early and keep it simple
Use age-appropriate language and concepts. For younger children, you can talk about how some people feel like boys, some feel like girls, and some feel different or both. Books and stories that include diverse characters can be helpful.
2. Be open and honest
Encourage questions and answer them honestly. If you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say so and look it up together. This models a healthy approach to learning and understanding.
3. Use inclusive language
Avoid stereotypes and use inclusive language that respects all gender identities. This includes using the correct pronouns for people and discussing a range of gender expressions.
4. Validate feelings
Let your child know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel different or confused. Emotional support is key to helping them navigate their identity.
5. Create a safe space
Make sure your child knows that they can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment. This builds trust and encourages open communication.
6. Educate Yourself
Parents should educate themselves on gender identity to provide accurate information and support. Resources from reputable organizations can be very helpful.
7. Be a role model
Demonstrate acceptance and understanding in your own actions and attitudes. Children learn a lot by observing their parents.
8. Seek professional help if needed
If your child seems distressed or you need additional guidance, consider seeking help from a professional counsellor or therapist who specializes in gender identity issues.
When your kids can grasp more nuances in concepts, start having in-depth conversations about gender, sexism, societal expectations, and pressures. Share with them interesting nuggets such as make-up being used for all genders (remember the Egyptian times?) and how pink and blue were initially for boys and girls, respectively. Tell them affirming statements like girls can play any sports, and there’s no shame in boys crying.
Age-appropriate ways to talk about gender identity with kids
Dr Lee also shares some age-appropriate scripts for talking about gender identity with kids from preschool to teens! How do you start these conversations? Here she offers some useful scripts and examples of moments when you can teach your kiddos about gender identity.
For 3-5 years old
- Script: “Some people are boys, some are girls, and some feel like both or neither. Everyone can be who they are and love who they want. Isn’t that great? Do you have any questions about that?”
- Teachable Moment: During playtime with dolls or action figures, you can introduce the concept of gender diversity by saying, “This doll likes to wear dresses and play sports, just like some people do in real life.”
For 6-8 years old
- Script: “You know how you can like different colours and toys? People can also feel different ways about whether they are a boy, a girl, or neither. It’s called gender identity. It’s important to respect how everyone feels. How do you feel about this?”
- Teachable moment: While reading a book or watching a show, point out diverse characters and say, “See how this character is different? It’s great that everyone can be who they are.”
For 9-12 years old
- Script: “As you get older, you might notice that people talk about being a boy or a girl, but sometimes it’s more complicated. Some people might feel like they don’t fit into just one category. This is called gender identity. It’s important to listen and support people in being who they truly are. Do you have any questions about this?”
- Teachable moment: Use family gatherings or community events to highlight different gender expressions and say, “Isn’t it interesting how everyone can express themselves differently? What do you think about that?”
For 13-15 years old
- Script: “You’re probably hearing more about gender identity now, and it’s something that’s important to understand and respect. Some people might identify as a boy, girl, both, neither, or something else entirely. It’s all about being true to oneself. How do you feel about your own gender identity and that of your friends?”
- Teachable Moment: During social media or news discussions, bring up stories about gender identity and say, “Let’s talk about what this person is sharing about their experience. What do you think?”
Books to explain gender identity to kids
We absolutely adore books here — they’re like magical portals to new worlds! They’re also fantastic tools for helping kiddos develop insights and understanding. When it comes to the topic of gender identity, books can be especially powerful. They offer relatable stories and characters that can open up conversations and deepen both your understanding and your child’s. So, without further ado, here’s a selection of delightful and informative titles that will help you and your little ones explore and embrace the beautiful spectrum of gender identity. Happy reading!
It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity by Theresa Thorn
For ages 4 and up
This straightforward picture book explores gender identity in a sensitive manner, helping your children better understand themselves and others.
A House for Everyone: A Story to Help Children Learn about Gender Identity and Gender Expression by Jo Hirst
For ages 4 to 8
A simple yet engaging story about challenging gender stereotypes, this book is perfect for both kids and parents. Everyone will learn the many ways that one can express their gender positively.
Who Are You?: The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity by Brook Pessin-Whedbee
For ages 2 to 6
This book illustrates how we experience gender. An interactive three-layered wheel further demonstrates the differences between our bodies, gender expressions, and gender identity.
She/He/They/Them: Understanding Gender Identity by Rebecca Stanborough
For ages 10 to 14
Tweens will find this book helpful in answering questions that they may have about gender identity.
Seeing Gender: An Illustrated Guide to Identity and Expression by Iris Gottlieb
For all ages
Do people with myriad gender identities exist? Of course! With this book, you will know more, from the likes of David Bowie, Laverne Cox and Frida Kahlo. Bonus points for the book being written by a queer person!
Gender Identity Workbook for Teens by Andrew Maxwell Triska, LCSW
For ages 12 to 16
If your child is at that stage of finding out who they are, this workbook will be of great help. It includes plenty of activities that teens can benefit and learn from as they discover their authentic identities.
Adults worry about talking to kids about gender identity due to years of biases and learned constructs. That’s understandable, so it’s time to unlearn everything that you know, reeducate yourself, and share with the littlies. Start young! This may be a long journey, but it’s a fulfilling one.
You can do it, parents!
