
It may be hard to know what to say to someone who may be struggling with infertility. This Infertility Awareness Week, infertility warrior, artist and mum of two Kristen Kiong shares her story and top tips.
According to the National University Hospital System, infertility currently affects about 15% of couples in Singapore. While some factors include age, hormonal issues and abnormalities in the reproductive organs, a large percentage of the cause of infertility falls under the category of ‘no obvious reasons’.
Singaporean artist and speech therapist Kristen Kiong openly shares about her past struggles with infertility on Instagram, with many peers in her community relating to her with similar journeys. Kristen once shared, “People always feel like their body has failed them or it feels embarrassing to not be able to do something. I think unlike a lot of other situations, I felt like these were the cards I was dealt with and I couldn’t do anything to make the results ‘better’.”
So what should or shouldn’t you say to someone who may be struggling with infertility? Keep reading for Kristen’s story and scroll till the end for tips.
Kristen’s fertility journey

When I was 23, I went for an immunisation appointment. The nurse gasped when I told her my last period was seven months before that day.
“Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” She asks. “Definitely sure,” I say, still smug about the fact that other girls have nasty period cramps and I don’t get them that often.
The clinic then referred me to a gynaecologist, and that was when I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). The gynae put me on birth control pills to regulate my period and told me that when I want to try for a kid, I’d have to come back and they can help me more.
I was upset when I found out. My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I weren’t even married yet at the time, but the worry about having trouble conceiving had already started. I had to tell him that we’d probably need to start trying for a kid soon after getting married because it might take longer.
I tried the birth control pills I was given but didn’t really continue because I was worried about the long term effects. My periods came down from seven-month intervals to every three months – much better, so I shoved the thought of conceiving out of my mind because I thought I was still a long way from having kids anyway.
We got married in 2016, and six months later we decided it was time to start trying for a child.
More than a year later, and no news.
We visited the gynae, who gave us a medication called clomid to induce ovulation, and it didn’t work. My friend told me Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) worked for her, so I decided to ditch the meds and try TCM first as I preferred to go for something more natural. I even changed my diet – no sugar, whole meal carbs, more protein, the works.

My TCM doctor taught me to track ovulation through my basal body temperature (BBT), ovulation test kits, and understanding how my body feels. I realised that when I ovulate, I get ovulation cramps and about a day or two after ovulation, my BBT rises. She also taught me when to have sex to improve my chances of conceiving. Thanks to that, I now know exactly when I ovulate.
Another year later, still no news. We finally did a Hysterosalpingography (HSG), which is an X-ray procedure that helps to view the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. I think I held it off for so long because I was still coming to terms with my infertility.
When I started treatment, at first I was hopeful it would help. Then there was a massive slump and I wondered if it was worth it. There are days I just wanted to lie in bed. I’m a Christian, but I found myself questioning God a lot during that period.

That said, religion played a big part in keeping me sane. For me some of the painful but necessary lessons I learnt was that I had to trust a higher being in it all, and know that I was loved even though I may not be granted what I want. I also learnt that I was meant to pray for and be happy for others. It was hard. But it helped.
Eventually, I did conceive and gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
But as they say, once an infertility warrior, always one.
I found myself back to square one when we tried for baby #2 – same story, different year. This time, we chose not to wait for our firstborn to grow up because the process of conceiving a second child may take longer than we expect.
Going through it all over again did not make it easier. I’ve also learnt that having one child already didn’t make me not worry about a second either.
How to support someone who (might be) struggling with infertility
Throughout both times when my husband and I were trying to conceive, we’ve experienced friends and family offering support, but also remarks that could be unintentionally hurtful like, “Maybe this is part of God’s plan”, or “It’s okay, you can adopt.”
If you’d like to be mindful of what’s appropriate or inappropriate to say to someone who may be struggling with infertility, here are my tips.
Do
- Listen, instead of offering solutions. Or just ask what kind of help we’d like: sometimes we’re ready for solutions, but sometimes we know them all and just need to process our emotions.
- Respect boundaries.
- Offer practical help like errands or household tasks if you know they have just experienced something difficult in their journey of trying to conceive.
- Educate yourself about infertility. A good place to start would be the @fertilitysupport.sg page on Instagram.
Do not
- Make it a joke.
- Say things like “You’re still young, just relax.”
- Tell us an “at least you can…”, or “but you should be thankful that…” While we understand the heart behind it, these can be hurtful in the moment.
- Ask for pregnancy updates.
- Assume someone is pregnant just because they wear loose clothes.
Different people respond differently about how they’d like you to support them, or share news about your new pregnancy. It’s important to build a relationship with the person first, before diving straight into asking about their fertility and sexual life.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Kristen!
Keen to meet other parents-to-be on the same journey? The Fertility Support SG support group is hosting the Hopeful Beginnings Fertility Fair on Saturday, 27 April 2024! Look forward to cutting-edge fertility insights from top healthcare professionals, holistic approaches to enhance fertility from traditional and modern practices, insights on a range of fertility treatments (from IVF to alternative therapies) and the chance to connect with a supportive community.