They say the best kind of ships are friendships. But what happens when that ship sails away – or sinks faster than the Titanic? Here are some friendship lessons that we’ve learned from the school called Life…
If you grew up in the 90s, you might be familiar with these lines – If you wanna be my lover / You gotta get it with my friends / Make it last forever / Friendship never ends! Truer words have never been spoken, emphasising the importance of friends in our lives. “Bros before hoes”, as the young people call it. (I swear I’m not THAT old…)
Do a Google search, and you’ll find plenty of quotes and articles extolling the virtues of friendship. But what happens when your friendship hits a snag? What do you do when you experience a friendship breakup? Unfortunately, school doesn’t teach you a thing or two about this topic; hopefully you’ll learn something after reading this.
Friendship breakups you’ll experience at least once
The one where you have a big fight
This is probably the top contributor to friendship breakups. At least 90 percent of breakups occur because of a major altercation. (Don’t take my word – and statistic – as gospel!) Fights can stem from the most innocuous reason, such as buying the wrong bubble tea flavour (well, I did say innocuous), to the most extreme, like betrayal.
But whose fault is it when this happens? You’re most inclined to say that it’s not your fault. And that’s normal! But if you were to take a step back, as bitter of a pill as it is to swallow, maybe you did play a small part in the fight. It’s not about the wrong bubble tea flavour or whose feelings got hurt first.
Ralf (they/he) knows firsthand this friendship breakup. “We met when I was 18 and she was about 25. She was like the cool elder sister I didn’t have. We went through thick and thin together – job changes, pregnancy, divorce… She eventually found someone new, and as much as I was happy for her, I felt like she was rushing into it. But I was still not mature enough to explain that to her.
We had gotten into a minor tiff that escalated when I lashed out at her and blamed her for causing the situation. She was rightfully hurt and refused to continue talking to me. At that point, I apologised to her even though I felt like I was in the right. However, she simply was no longer interested in continuing our friendship anymore.
On her wedding day, she chose to ignore me. That was when I knew it was all over.”
It takes two hands to clap. If it’s one hand, that’s a slap, which is reserved for the next friendship breakup.
The one where someone gets iced out
So you have a group of friends that you’re cool with. You do plenty of things together… until one day, when you realise that you’ve not hung out for some time. You initiate a meetup, but everyone else feigns ignorance or says they’re “too busy”. That’s fine, right? But then you notice it’s been some time since the group chat’s been active. Then one day, you see on IG that your friends have been hanging out without you. What’s one plus one?
It sucks to find out that you’re that friend who’s been discarded. Is it your fault? Do you have any part to play in this? Absolutely not! If more than anything, consider this as a golden ticket out of that friendship. You don’t deserve them! That’s a red flag, and you’re lucky to get out relatively unscathed. Well, barring a bruised ego.
The one where one of you moves away
No, moving from Pasir Ris to Jurong does not count. Perhaps your friend has had enough of living in Singapore. Maybe they had to move because of new opportunities. Whatever the reason, anything long-distance is tough to maintain. And we’re not just talking about physicalities here.
Former HoneyKids editor Tracy knows a thing or two about friendship breakups when migration is involved. “You finally find a fellow mum to share your parenting highs and lows, only for them to up sticks and leave five minutes later! And let’s face it, as much as we all promise to speak daily, life gets in the way. What I thought would be lifelong friendships fizzled out with the tricky business of having half a world between us.”
My experience is the opposite of Tracy’s. A close friend of mine decided to migrate to Melbourne for greener pastures. Initially, I was scared. I was apprehensive about our friendship surviving 6,000 kilometres and, depending on daylight savings, the two or three-hour time difference. But lo and behold, I was proven wrong. No friendship breakup here!
The one where the friendship fizzles out
Speaking of fizzling out, that’s one friendship breakup that’ll leave you with more questions than answers. With the other scenarios, you know the reasons. But in this situation, you’re not sure what could have caused your friendship to end so… unceremoniously. Is it me? Am I the drama?
I’m very familiar with this friendship breakup. I’ve made friends, grew close, and then, as time passed, the friendships died naturally. Is it because we didn’t make any effort? Was the other person waiting for my move, or vice versa? We may not communicate much, but we still view each other’s IG stories, leave comments on each other’s social media posts, and always pledge to “catch up some time”. But we both know the friendship has fizzled out, like a can of Coke left on the kitchen table for an extended time.
And, if I daresay, this is another scenario that most folks are all too familiar with. Tell me I’m wrong.
The one where one of you is toxic
And not the kind that Britney’s addicted to, unfortunately. What do you do when you realise your friend is a toxic person? Do you dip out of the friendship or stay on? If you end up doing the latter, what do you do when your mental health gets affected eventually?
Malcolm (he/him) shares his personal friendship breakup experience: “I met Danny through a choir camp in secondary school and almost rather instantly, it felt like we knew we were going to be the best of friends. We would listen to and sing our favourite tunes, and go on about the cute guys in school while sipping bubble tea outside the mall. We would spend school holidays hanging out for hours.
Danny would listen to every story, rant, opinion, gossip, and thought I had. And I was really grateful that I had someone to who I could actually tell everything. I looked up to him. However, he used that opportunity to assert a certain dominance over me.
Short of 16 years into the friendship, the final straw came from humiliation in front of my friends. Danny shared an “anecdote”, which essentially was just a way for him to tease my looks. That made me realise that this is not the friendship I signed up for. Enough was enough – I left without a proper goodbye. It took me so long, but I guess it’s better than nothing.”
But what if you’re the toxic one? Well, I hope your friends are more forthcoming and tell you the truth. It’s better to know how problematic you’ve been instead of remaining oblivious until it’s too late. Ignorance is not bliss, people!
Friends for a reason, a season, a lifetime
Did you know that the above header’s phrase came from a poem? It’s a good reminder that when someone comes into your life, they’re either there for a specific purpose (“a reason”), to be with you for an indeterminate period (“a season”), or to teach you lifelong lessons (“a lifetime”). Regardless, the question remains: How do you survive a friendship breakup?
1. Grieve the loss
It’s tough losing someone in your life. No cap. So be truthful with yourself and other people in your life by letting them know what you’re going through. Most importantly, give yourself the space to grieve your friendship breakup.
“It took me so long to reconcile with myself and accept that I was a victim of a trauma that was brought upon me, all because I needed a friend,” Malcolm says.
2. Get closure – if it’s possible
A friendship breakup is akin to a romantic relationship breakup. With the latter, you often seek closure for the dissolution of your relationship. You can try applying the same principle to a friendship breakup, though like the typical breakup conversations, the answers you get may not be what you want to hear. If it’s not possible to get closure, then that’s something you have to reconcile with.
Ralf muses: “A small part of me still thinks we can definitely repair things between us but maybe we were only meant to be friends for that part of our lives.”
3. Check on your other friendships
Another thing about a friendship breakup is its impact on your wider group of friends. Don’t try to hide the fact that you’ve broken up with a mutual friend. Not everyone’s an ostrich! Let your friend group know they are in no position to pick sides. If anyone decides to do so, that’s their own decision. On your end, you have to take the pulse on these friendships.
4. Remember your worth
Just because you lost a friend does not make you unworthy of friendship. Sure, it gets more challenging to make friends as you get older. But that doesn’t mean subjecting yourself to a lifetime of loneliness. You may have your family, but you need friends too. They’re an extension of your support system. As Tracy wisely says, “It helps to make friends who are more likely to be here for the long term.”
The one where you reconnected
So you went through hell and back and even managed to score an “I survived a friendship breakup” souvenir or two. You may not get the closure you want, but it’s okay. Time heals all wounds. You’re a grown person now, and so is the other party. And someday, somehow, you ended up in each other’s orbits again. Hello Mercury, are you in retrograde again?
You’re unsure if you want to give the friendship another go. The hurt you went through previously still lingers. What if the same thing happens again? But then again, you’ve had some space between you two. You’ve matured, and so did they. Who knows – it might be better the second time around? I know many people who’ve reconciled, and their friendships are stronger. It’s as if they never broke up in the first place.
Take a chance on them, like ABBA said sang. What’s the worst that can happen? (Friendship breakup part deux, yes we know…) That’s what life’s like, right? There’s always a lesson waiting for you somewhere.
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together. Keep me in your heart. I’ll be there forever.” – Winnie the Pooh
