Ask a psychotherapist: How do I teach my child to be more assertive?

We may not like it, but it often happens: if other kids are trying to intimidate your child, what should you do? Singapore-based psychotherapist Tulika Sahai shares her top tips on raising confident, assertive kids.

You may have a child who is quiet, sensitive or an introvert. Or you may have a child who is very expressive, sometimes bordering on aggressive. Or it’s neither, but your child comes across older kids who can appear aggressive, so what can your child do?

What’s the difference between aggressive and assertive?

Aggressive behaviour can sometimes be confused with assertive behaviour because both communication styles involve people speaking up for themselves and feeling in control. However, there is a big difference between how you state your needs in each style. Assertive communication is direct but not offensive. In fact, part of being assertive is respecting others’ feelings and opinions, being able to take criticism in a constructive way, and being willing to negotiate when having a disagreement.

If you want to raise strong and confident kids, teaching them to be assertive is a game-changer. Learning to be assertive also has its benefits in building self-esteem, the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships, and in promoting resilience.

Most of us aren’t born assertive, and the fear of coming off as rude or selfish can hold us back. But with a little practice, we can help kids master this awesome skill and enjoy all the perks of assertive communication.

First, some general points to groom them into assertive and confident kids. I will later share some examples and answers that may happen in school or the playground which can help in establishing that assertiveness.

1. Eye contact
Eye contact is key when talking assertively because others will naturally respond better to individuals who make eye contact with them.

2. Voice control
Strength and volume. It’s not just about being loud, but having controlled volume. Practice this at home: stand five to seven meters apart in a room or garden. Ask your child to recite a joke or poem. If they’re too quiet, they need to project more; if they’re shouting, they need to lower the volume and increase strength. When they get it right, they’ll have perfect pitch!

3. Define boundaries
Help them understand what they are willing to accept and what they are not willing to accept. Encouraging them to read their emotions is a quick guide to knowing their boundaries.

Be assertive, be be assertive: Specific scenarios

Many suggest finding an adult, but honestly, sometimes there just isn’t at the time. Besides, most kids don’t want to be branded as a ‘snitch’ because that will only make their reputation among their peers worse. The objective in these situations is to disarm the other person without insulting them (and risking a bigger attack the next time).

So here goes:

Scenario #1: Your kid gets called names on the bus, playground, or classroom.

1. Slowly ask the question “Are you ok?” By asking this question, your child will firmly signal to them that this behavior is not ok, but more importantly, it will not give the instigator the satisfaction of a reaction. Other than taking away the instigator’s power, the empathy may even open up to a real response from them.
2. “I don’t like being called that. I want you to call me by my name.”
   This will show they expect others to be respectful and they do not tolerate verbal abuse.
3. “I see that you’re unhappy. But I can’t let you treat me like this.”
   Let your child be clear about their boundaries.

Scenario #2: Someone shoves you and wants to fight you (physically or verbally). You want to stick up for yourself, but you don’t want to get into a fight.

1. “Are you trying to intimidate me?” or “Are you trying to make fun of me?”
   This can be especially effective if others are listening. After your child asserts herself, wait for a response. Don’t be tempted to speak again; many people are uncomfortable with silence, so it may force them to respond.
2. Slowly and deliberately say “You have something stuck in your teeth.” …then walk away slowly.
   This statement allows your child to change the conversation and put the other person on the back foot by making them self-conscious, without being aggressive.
3. Say “NO.” Because ‘no’ is a full statement.

Scenario #3: You hear that someone you thought was a friend has been spreading a cruel and untrue rumour about you.

1. “Did you intend to embarrass me? Did you mean to offend me? Did you mean to hurt me?”
   All these questions show them a mirror of the consequences of their behaviour. Nothing has a greater effect on a bully than apathy, showing that what just happened hasn’t affected you at all.
2. “I appreciate the attention you are giving me, but I think it’s time to move on.”
   If you don’t get affected, they have no reason to continue.

Scenario #4: A new student started at your school this week, and he is having trouble fitting in. Some of your friends have been laughing behind his back.

Just like Dumbledore said, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.” When we think of friends, we think of connection, acceptance, inclusion. Anything that threatens that state of affairs scares us.

1. “I want you to repeat what you said.”
   When you assertively ask someone repeat the joke, it stops being funny because they don’t get the dopamine rush they expected.
2. “I wouldn’t say that because…”
   A Harvard study in the 1970s argued that the word “because” resulted in significantly more compliance. Your child can use this technique to steer their friends away from this unwanted behaviour.

The responses presented above can be used in multiple situations, so practice them with your child as often as you can in less stressful situations. Ultimately, to enable your child to conduct themselves confidently and assertively, they need to have enough practice to develop the skill and muscle memory. So, allow them to stand up for themselves at home. Teach them that “NO” is an acceptable answer by letting them use it with you. Respect their boundaries. If they don’t want hugs or tickles, say, “Your body, your rules.”