Ask a psychotherapist: I might be in a toxic relationship, what can I do?

How do you define a toxic relationship and identify if you're in one? Singapore-based psychotherapist Tulika Sahai gives us a lowdown, with tips on how to draw boundaries for your mental health.

If a relationship is leaving you feeling more drained than fulfilled, it might be toxic. Toxic relationships can make you feel like you can’t be yourself and that love or affection comes with strings attached. These relationships can be with spouses, parents, kids, relatives or friends.

This translates to someone who manipulates you to get what they want, gaslighting, exert excessive control on you, not apologising properly, seeing themselves as a victim of their own behaviour and most importantly, there’s a complete lack of consideration for your needs.

To get out of a toxic relationship, the support of friends, family, and possibly a trained professional such as a therapist, is key. The idea is to set yourself up to have someone who can have your back and reassure you that you’re making the right call. This is not the time to turn inward; seek out your community for love and help.

So how can you help yourself when in a toxic relationship?

Boundaries

Sometimes people mistake boundaries as barriers to keep people out, like a fence. But really, boundaries should be seen as an invisible shield safeguarding us, akin to the ozone layer. They’re there to empower you to choose whether you’re okay with certain behaviours or not! I’ll be easier to set your boundaries when:

• You know your values. What is negotiable and what isn’t?
• You separate Fact from Feeling. Your feelings are your to manage not theirs and just the same way, their feelings are theirs to manage not yours.
• You understand that being assertive is not the same as being rude. If someone doesn’t like your boundary it doesn’t mean it is wrong, it means it’s working. The very reason they are uncomfortable with it, is the very reason you need it

Here are a few ways you can start drawing boundaries to these common situations:

1. When they say, “You’re imagining that,” they’re gaslighting you.
   You can respond by saying, “I do not imagine facts.”
2. When they say, “That’s not what I said.”
   You can slowly respond with, “That’s what I heard.”
   They will then need to explain or rephrase and they cannot flip the argument. Otherwise, they’re manipulating you.
3. When they say, “You’re overreacting,” they’re not showing signs of empathy.
   You can say, “I feel how I feel.” Because your feelings are not up for debate. Remember, you have every right to feel whatever you’re feeling.
4. When they say, “This isn’t such a big deal,” they’re trying to control you.
   You can say, “I get to decide that.” You’re saying that you’re the only person who gets a say on what is going on with you. And that is a clear boundary.
5. Use statements, not questions. Questions come across as a weakness whereas statements are more in control. For example, when you want them to change how they’re talking to you, instead of saying:
   “Can you stop talking to me that way?”
   Say: “I need you to stop talking to me that way.”
   The phrase ‘I need’ can be used for anything you find is crossing your line.
6. Do not give unsolicited advice – this is you opening yourself up to all the above scenarios.
7. Follow through on consequences. So if you say you’ll walk out of the room if this continues, then walk out of the room.

You don’t have to go through this difficult experience alone. I encourage you to reach out for support from friends, family members. If you can’t do that because of a close community, then seek a therapist or religious community where the issue can remain anonymous.