![Ask a psychotherapist: I just got divorced. How can I minimise the damage on the kids from a narcissist?](https://static.honeykidsasia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/parent-child-mother-son-talking-serious-900x643.jpg)
Let's talk about it. Dealing with a narcissist after a divorce or separation can be really tough, especially when kids are involved. Singapore-based psychotherapist Tulika Sahai shares how you can minimise the impact on them while keeping things as normal as possible.
I come across these situations more often than I like to see. Dealing with a narcissistic relationship is hard enough, but when it overflows over to the kids, it’s heartbreaking.
Very few traditional divorce parenting advice is going to apply when a narcissistic parent is involved. Your number one job as a non-narcissistic parent is to reduce conflict.
However, remember that kids will always love both parents. They may not always like them, but kids will always love their parents. So you need to strike a balance between protecting them from toxic behaviour and giving them enough quality time with their narcissistic parent. Because you have to let your children make up their own mind, or they may turn their anger on you for cutting the other parent out of their life. They won’t understand why, only that you ruined that relationship.
This is really hard. Really, really hard. So, here are a few steps and tips to help you strike that balance.
![parent child father son play guitar bonding](https://static.honeykidsasia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/parent-child-father-son-play-guitar-bonding.jpg)
1. Validate and empower your children
Validate, validate, validate! Always acknowledge your kids’ feelings — whether it’s confusion, sadness, or anger. They are looking for a place to anchor themselves, to find peace. If their other parent twists the truth, it’s okay to reassure them without bad-mouthing. Just simple comments like, “I’m sorry that happened” or, “That sounds really tough” can make a big difference. It’s all about letting them know their feelings are valid and the issues aren’t their fault.
2. Help them spot narcissistic traits
This might sound complex, but it’s about teaching them to recognise when they’re being manipulated or unfairly blamed:
a) The child becomes a source of validation: The narcissist parent won’t be available until they can associate their own success with their child’s: “My son/daughter scored that winning goal!”
b) Projection of need for validation: They blame the child for constantly needing validation and approval, when really it’s them seeking it.
c) Emotional contempt: When the parent not only disregards a child’s emotions but shows contempt for having them: “Get over yourself, it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
d) Playing favourites: Narcissist parents triangulate, when they bring a second person/child into the conversation and play favourites with them, in order to control the first child.
e) Blame on the children: Narcissists have a need to feel perfect, so they blame their kids for their own missteps. “it’s your fault I’m always tired” or “I’d have been further in my career, if I wasn’t always looking after you.”
f) Expect child to be the caregiver: They would say things like “I looked after you when you were little so now you owe me.”
![parent child father daughter bonding](https://static.honeykidsasia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/parent-child-father-daughter-bonding.jpg)
3. Teach them ‘Grey Rocking’
‘Grey Rocking’ is a way of dealing with people who thrive on conflict. Teach your kids to be like a ‘grey rock’: uninteresting and unresponsive. This means keeping their emotions in check around the narcissistic parent, which can prevent a lot of aggravation. Like when watching TV, we tend to be motionless and unaffected.
Their behaviour may escalate as they realise there is disengagement. That can be scary, but teach them to stand their ground. In time, when they realise that they’re not getting any supply, they’ll move on to other sources. When this happens, make sure, as a non-narcissistic parent, you are there to validate validate, and validate!
4. Don’t take it on yourself
It’s like when you’re on a plane and told to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. If you’re emotionally grounded, you’ll be in a better position to help your kids through this. Try to step back and see the bigger picture rather than getting caught up in every conflict.
The aim is to give your kids the tools they need to handle their interactions with the narcissistic parent, and make sure you’re both finding ways to cope and regain some control.
Keep your eyes peeled as Tulika shares more useful insights in our ‘Ask a psychotherapist’ column! Follow her on Instagram for more.