Is it better to be respectful, or should kids learn to fight in order to defend themselves? KISS92 FM radio jock and mum of one, Jill Lim, looks into this issue. The result might surprise you…
Yes, you read that correctly. Growing up, I’d be given ‘the talk’ before being released to the playgrounds or entering school. “Don’t walk in front of the swings, don’t wander too far, listen to the adults, and if anyone bullies you, punch them in the nose.” That was back in the 90s when parenting was vastly different. Does it still apply today? Should it?
Gentle parenting has its disadvantages
I try my best to be a gentle parent, and everyone I know has chosen this path too. However, I realised the biggest downfall of this parenting style is that it’s only effective when all children are raised that way. To put it into context: my classmate has a son who’s just shy of attending primary school. He is the most well-mannered and emotionally intelligent boy I’ve ever met. His ability to articulate how he feels is something even adults envy.
Many times, while hanging out with his mother over afternoon drinks, he’d walk over and politely say, “Mum, I know you’re with your friends, but I’m a bit bored. Could you play with me awhile?” Beautiful! All of us have “reserved” him to marry our daughters.
The day that changed it all…
At a recent kids’ party, he was happy to play with kids older than him. The roughhousing began very quickly. Seeing who could jump the furthest, who could run the fastest… To me, it’s the standard “boy” thing. Soon they started playing ball – the monkey game, to be exact. We played this when we were kids, where everyone took turns being the “monkey”, and all of us hated being it.
He walked back to my friend very defeatedly and said the other boys were being mean and not including him. My dad, who was within earshot, casually said, “You have to be tougher. Just grab the ball. Go, you can do it.” My friend didn’t say anything, but I could see the annoyance on her face. She didn’t believe in “being tougher” or asking a child to return to a situation they weren’t comfortable in.
To my surprise, my friend’s son got scrappy! He intercepted a ball and grabbed it from an older boy’s grip! The next time the grapple went on a little longer, with my dad and other uncles egging the boys on. The boys didn’t seem to mind the tussle. Not long after the skirmish, my friend and her son left. I felt pretty lousy about the adults encouraging the boys to fight. That’s when a cousin of mine frankly said: “Gentle parenting becomes obsolete when your seven-year-old has to deal with an 11-year-old bully with twice the strength.”
Do all boys learn to fight? Who teaches them?
I asked my dad who taught him to fight. “No one.” You pick it up quickly when you get in fights as often as he did. I asked my husband if he knew how to fight. He said he knew enough not to get pounded too severely. I asked my friends, who are Muay Thai coaches and boxers who taught them to fight as kids. Again, no one! All of them were from all-boys schools, and fights just happened. You pick it up; the faster you do, the better off you are.
Why were boys fighting so much? What were they fighting over? Nothing! This makes no sense to me. But it did get me thinking – should I have a second child, and it’s a boy, how would I feel about my precious baby being physical? Unbelievably, I decided that it’s better to beat than get beaten. I’m ashamed to admit that!
On Instagram, I asked my followers: “Would you teach your son how to fight?” 97% of my followers, who have sons, not only said yes, but they’ve also gotten their sons started in physical classes. I can’t be the only one with their jaw on the floor!
Should girls learn to fight too?
Yes, according to my followers! Many of them attributed fighting classes to being a form of exercise for their children and a confidence booster. It teaches them discipline and independence. The ability to fight is a bonus – albeit unwanted.
One time, Lily was at the playground and wanted to play with a swivel ball equipment. An older kid ran in front of her. She turned back to look at me. I told her to play with something else. She focused on a wobble board before the same child ran ahead and stood on it. I told her to go on the slides. The kid ran to the slides, pushed Lily aside, and ran up the slides. My child looked at me hopelessly, and without thinking, I told her to push the kid back.
This is where it got interesting. Lily ran after the kid, grabbed him by the shirt, and pushed him. He barely moved and was completely unbothered. It’s obvious that Lily was glad she stood up for herself. I didn’t know how to feel! The older child tried blocking her a couple more times. She tried her best to shove him out of the way each time. She never felt the need to look to me for what to do. Being able to handle herself was an achievement for her. Was that the confidence that came with physical classes?
The verdict on teaching your children to fight
According to Evolve MMA, one in eight children in Singapore gets bullied, while four out of 35 children are repeatedly bullied. One in 10 students drop out of school as a result. (Check out Coalition Against Bullying for Children and Youth for more information.) A quick search on any site that promotes children’s fight classes lists self-discipline and independence high among the reasons for a child to train.
I did ballet when I was four. Our dance teacher would compare us. We’re four! I remember it clearly… “Class, look at Joanna! She’s ready! I wish I had a class full of Joannas!” I wanted to be Joanna – to be called on for praise. I eventually did. Ballet made me focused and independent. It was a lot of mind over matter too. Having to hold a position, you must tell yourself that you can do it. It gave me a lot of confidence. So is it essential to take up a fighting class?
My take on this issue
While I’m still undecided about teaching young children to fight, I acknowledge that I can’t live in my perfect bubble forever, where children only talk things out reasonably. Tempers will boil over, and that may or may not turn physical. Do I want to raise a child who thinks the only option is to flee and find an adult? There is great merit in walking away from a volatile situation. I still have hours of Googling to do before deciding if, when and what Lily will be combat-ready in.
Do you think children should learn to fight? DM us your thoughts.