It's birthday party season and while that usually spells excitement for kids, it can also mean disappointment for others. Singapore-based psychotherapist Tulika Sahai explores ways to help your child if they find out they haven't been invited to a friend's party.
There are few things as painful as watching our kids get left out. Be it a birthday party, a sports team or a part in a play. This pain only multiplies when they feel the sting of not being invited, or being a part of something.
The reality is, your child might not really care whether or not they were invited to something. It might, in fact, be you who feels your child should have been included. Your hope is to see them happy, and to that end it’s important not to let your own feelings influence theirs. Read about how not to let your insecurities get in the way of parenting here.
The question is, what can you do and say when your child is not invited to something and is heartbroken as a result?
1. Check in on the degree of disappointment.
Allow your child to share all of their thoughts related to being left out: “How do you feel about not being invited/part of the team/cast in the play?” or “Do you know what’s bothering you?” Once you get a better idea of where their emotions are at, you’ll be better equipped for what to do next.
2. Understand WHY they are hurting.
“Do you know why you feel upset about this?” or, “What is the worst part about this?” This will help them articulate and own their emotions.
3. Validate their feelings.
“This must be so disappointing.” Avoid using direct language like “You must be so disappointed,” as this could inflame them, because you may come across as individualising their emotions.
4. Let them feel empowered, and don’t try to fix the problem.
If you say, “let’s get some ice cream, you’ll feel better” you may be invalidating their feelings by assuming you know what will fix it. Instead ask them, “What will make this better?” This will empower them to regulate and address their emotions on their own. A powerful tool for when they enter adulthood, where disappointments come in buckets!
That said, how do you get through your own disappointment when that happens? Undoubtedly, you will start questioning your own parenting and what you might have, could have, should have done differently. Stop. Right. There.
My advice for parents, is to pause for a moment and remind themselves that your role, as a parent, is not to be a fixer. Your job is to help your kids develop firm foundations and tools to help them through even the toughest disappointments. Our job is also to provide unconditional support and to reinforce their belief in themselves.
Not being invited is still going to hurt, but we have to trust the process.
