More young people than ever are being diagnosed with depression, and we've all heard the expression 'tiger parent'. Are they linked? How are our ever-increasing expectations of our children affecting their mental health? We chat to one woman who survived a strict upbringing, as she shares her story to help us avoid falling into the same parenting traps.
Raising teens can be tough, and we often feel like we’re getting it wrong. But there is hope in the knowledge that even having thoughts like this shows that we care. There’s a saying that ‘each of us is the best parent to our own children, because we know our children best.’ But what happens when we feel disconnected to our teens, and how do we maintain our closeness as a family when the tighter we hold on, the further away they pull?
We sat down with our Launchpad colleague Anjali Krishna to talk about her own experiences with a strict parental upbringing. She hopes that by sharing her story and experiences, we can learn and grow together.
1. Thank you for spending time with us today, Anjali. Can you share with us what your upbringing was like as a young adult?
“Growing up, my parents were restrictive in a way where I had to constantly update my whereabouts and the next day’s agenda. My parents wanted to be aware of all of my activities, including the personal information of the friends I was associated with. (Thankfully they did not go the extra mile to install a tracker on my phone or worse – my body!). It felt suffocating. One of the hardest parts for me being a teenager was having a 6pm curfew – it was so embarrassing and I missed out on a lot.”
2. What were your school years like?
“I had a lot of pressure on my performance at school. My parents were very much invested in my academic success, and bought mountains of assessment books and practice exam papers, using comparisons with relatives and friends as a little spice of motivation. I even had to attend ‘etiquette classes’ to learn how to behave like a ‘proper woman’, including how to speak and how to dress. All of this led to me experiencing a constant feeling like I wasn’t ever good enough for my parents.
I went through a stage where I was unable to comprehend basic instructions and faced academic burnout when I was 13. I remember a time when I continuously studied day and night without having proper meals and sleep just to keep up with the academic validation and my family’s expectations. When I got my results for my mid-year exams, for the majority of the subjects I received a B grade. I was so depressed and I felt like a failure. From there, I became even more exhausted and had trouble sleeping (insomnia).”
3. That sounds really hard. How did emotional distance with your parents lead to you suffering from depression?
“I’d always thought that my parents were not able to understand what I was going through emotionally and mentally. During my early teenage years, from around age 13 to 16, I wanted to talk to my parents about what I was going through in terms of life, and my thinking process. I would have really loved more guidance and awareness of what happens after secondary school. What if I fail in my academic results – is there a backup plan? Talking it through and making real plans for my future, instead of just forcing myself into a box and the old way of thinking “if you study well, you get a good job and life”.
Also, I felt more closed off from my parents when I didn’t get any explanation or rationale on what religious practices we were doing, and why. I didn’t hear from them about women’s biological systems such as hormonal changes and puberty and things like that. It would have been great for them to reassure me as I went through these things, to help me realise that there was nothing wrong with me. I just wanted some communication with my parents where I didn’t need to feel afraid to ask them for help, instead of fearing how they would react if I did or said something they didn’t agree with.
In a nutshell, I just wanted some advice or a support system to go to, if life was not ‘lifeing’ the way I had hoped.
There were times where my parents would say how their lifestyle and generation was harder compared to now, where we are considered the ‘strawberry generation‘. This feels so insulting, as though my efforts in studying and doing my best don’t count for anything.
This disconnection and pressure from my parents resulted in my depression era where I faced several insecurities, no appetite, no sleep and suicidal thoughts. The constant negative feeling like being a failure, feeling worthless and not worthy of living, simply deteriorated my thought process.
I was basically tired of living, and felt so alone.”
4. How did you get through that period of your life, and what has helped you on your journey to healing from depression?
“It was a strenuous journey in healing myself over the years. It was definitely not easy. I did not go to therapy or school counsellors for my depression, as in my family, therapy is looked down on and anyone needing this kind of help is considered crazy in my family! I had to learn to listen to my own thoughts. And I knew it was hopeless to talk it out with my parents.
Honestly, I feel like it was 70% me and 30% the help of my siblings that brought me out of the black hole of depression. Due to the huge differences I had with my siblings, I was not able to communicate clearly when I was young. But as time went on and I started slowly telling them one by one what I was going through, I was able to get their perspectives and they shared their own feelings about what we collectively went through. Sharing the load like that really helped me open up my horizons.
I also found help and comfort in meditation, books, music and dance. The more I expressed myself through these things, the more I started to feel at home within myself. Constant positive affirmations lifted my spirits and insecurities out mind and out of sight.”
5. What is your relationship like with your parents today?
“It’s not all bad! As time went by and I matured and my mind grew, I started to realise that my parents lived in a very harsh environment, which affected their ability to trust me. My grandparents did not show love and concern to my parents, but instead neglect, competition and encouraging favouritism within siblings.
When my parents got married, they were faced with persistent stress and pressure from their own parents to get a house, a high-paying salary and to have a child, even when they were not emotionally ready. As a result, without proper guidance and their trauma stuck in their mind, they adapted their parenting style and applied it to us.
I appreciate my parents wishes for me and my siblings to have a good academic background, which can provide a stable career, as they did not want us to go through what they did. Even being so strict, they provided for us, and made sure we always had the necessities, and bought us things we liked. I remembered my father once said to me ‘it is better to have a bitter start and a sweet end rather than vice versa,’ which I agree with!”
6. How can we learn from your experiences to be better parents for our own children?
“My advice is to communicate openly and regularly with your children, and really make an effort to connect emotionally and mentally. It is important to validate your child’s emotions, instead of neglecting or comparing them with the life paths/situations you had. I really admire people who can take responsibility for their actions and apologise. I think it’s a great idea to sit down with your children and give them a safe space to share their feelings with you. Ask them if there has been any action or words you have said that upset them in the past that you can make amends for. Help your kids to trust you and open up about their feelings truthfully and without fear.
I’m not a parent myself yet, but one thing I hope to practice when I am a mum one day is to not be egotistical. I don’t want to adopt the attitude of never saying sorry to my kids just because I gave birth to them. I know how frustrating it can be as a child to have to apologise to your parents and feel sorry, even if you are not the one in the wrong. Just because they are children, doesn’t mean their feelings don’t matter.”
7. Great advice. Any other wisdom you could share so we can avoid becoming tiger parents ourselves?
“In my experience, I was not provided with choices. Generally, most things were decided for me by my parents. I feel that if we provide choices for kids, be it in how they dress, the food they eat (with healthy options, of course!), the toys they play with or what activities spark their passion, it would help to develop their decision-making skills earlier and deepen their sense of self as they learn their own preferences.
From what I’ve seen being around children, if a kid makes a mistake, they can easily adopt having a sassy attitude and show their unhappiness openly. During these times, I’d say it is best not to immediately scold or discipline at first, and instead talk it out calmly. Get down to their level and talk through the reasons they are unhappy and acting out, so you can figure out if their actions are justified with a reason. Make the process a two-way discussion so they will feel that they were listened to and supported and don’t fall into depression. Provide love and positive affirmations where kids will feel loved, positive and have the confidence to slay in their life!”
Remember, you can’t fill from an empty cup. Take care of yourself, as well.
“Of course, things get tough as parents while juggling work, family, depression and your own mental health, expenses and more. Thus, remember to take care of yourself. If you are having a bad day or not feeling yourself, be vocal to your kids about your emotions in a way they can understand instead of bursting / venting out. Kids do not understand what you are going through and they might blame themselves. You’re a family, and those bonds are unbreakable.”
Thank you for sharing your journey with us Anjali. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with depression or needs help with improving their mental health, find help here.
