I spent 9 months of my pregnancy waiting for that explosive orgasm that the internet raves about. But guess what? It didn't happen.
Sex during pregnancy is like a unicorn – you’ve heard of it, you’ve read about it, and you’ve definitely dreamed of it. But chances are, you’ve never experienced it. A quick search for pregnancy sex on Google will give you the illusion that the next nine months of your life is going to be all about Kama Sutra positions, sex toys, and orgasmic pleasure. But is it really like that?
Perhaps for the lucky 1% of the population, pregnancy sex is heavenly. Good for them. But if you’d have needed me during my pregnancy, you’d have found me in bed, binging on TV shows in a cloistered state of celibacy.
The truth about sex during pregnancy? It totally sucks.
If you find yourself wondering how the next nine months of your sex life is going to be, I am here to tell you that chance are, it could be a total nightmare. Here are four reasons why…
Sex during pregnancy: why it totally sucks.
1. Because you are exhausted
I’m not talking about the mild exhaustion that would go away with a nap or five shots of espresso. I’m talking about the overwhelming state of constant nausea – think college hangover on crack. First trimester is a blurry cycle of sitting on the couch, fighting the urge to regurgitate, and then holding your head over the toilet bowl. Second trimester gives you some energy and an appetite, but knocks you out every night at 8pm. Third trimester? I can’t decide what’s worse – the 30 pounds you put on, the belly size and weight of a watermelon you lug around, or the nonexistent immune system that puts you out a few times a week. With a schedule like this (and a body like mine, if you’re unlucky), who would be able to find pregnancy sex alluring?
2. Because you are hairy
If waxing, lasering, and daily vagina shaving are your thing, well, they won’t be anymore. You can kiss your bald beaver goodbye. Any beauty procedures during pregnancy will be put on pause, and your bulging belly will prevent you from shaving at home fully and safely. All of a sudden, shaving requires skilful contortion and a full length mirror – so much effort just to end up with patches of hair still missed.
3. Because you are dry
Pregnancy affects your hormones in many ways. They make you feel luscious with those new found locks of hair, turn you into cry babies, and dry you out. Everywhere. A drastic decrease in oestrogen is the culprit, and there is nothing you can do about it. No matter how many hot foreplay moves you break out, it is just Sahara-dry, parched and painful to penetrate. You reach out to grab your lubricant (which was once a foreign item) only to realise that no matter how much lube you douse yourself with, pregnancy sex is just not the same.
4. Because you are carrying another human
By the time you gain an ounce of energy to even think about sex, you’ll be showing. Your baby will be kicking, hiccuping, and doing what seems like Olympic gymnastic practice. You’ll be wondering, will a certain position break your water? Will your husband crush the foetus? Can your baby feel anything? Will you have a spoonful of peanut butter, smothered on toast and sprinkled with coconut flakes right after? You’ll be consumed with so many questions and concerns, and before you know it, a slight kick in the womb will cause the whole thing to stop before you even get a chance to enjoy that highly orgasmic pregnancy sex you’ve only heard about.
Put plainly, sex felt awful while I was pregnant. Perhaps it was also because I turned into a very round and sexless individual, whose uterus was feeding off her libido, and whose sole mission was to create life. It took me a few more rounds of missionary sex, accompanied by agonising screams, before I fully gave up.
But who knows, maybe you’ll have a better experience than I did?