This World Mental Health Day, one mum shares her story and wants you to know you’re not alone when it comes to motherhood and mental health…
I wrote the piece below when my youngest was five months. Reading it back scares me – I don’t even recognise myself or those feelings. But I wrote it – so clearly at the time, that’s what I was thinking. It’s actually been buried on my iPhone notes for months, and I happened to stumble across it. I was about to delete it, but then suddenly, I felt compelled to share it.
Not for sympathy (I’m keeping this anonymous), but more to show other mums it’s ok to have these feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad mum or a failure. It just makes you human.
Sure, a few people might say by writing this anonymously that I’m missing the point. We should be normalising these feelings, letting others know that it’s fine to share. And I agree, but for me, this is me at my rawest, and not something I shared with anyone, even at the time (pretty sure I went downstairs after and played with my toddler as if nothing had happened). So, for now, at least, that’s the call I’m making. But, hopefully, it’s a start…
Mental health, motherhood and me…
I don’t know how I feel at the moment. Flat? Blue? Angry? Frustrated? Sad? Or a bit of all of them. Is this post-natal depression? Can it even kick in this late? (My daughter is almost five months). Everything just seems a struggle; I almost feel like I’m trying to antagonise and create issues for the sake of it, which seems crazy.
I also feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of life. Overwhelmed by trying to be everything to everyone. Overwhelmed by the juggle and the constant “on”. And writing this, I feel guilt – huge guilt for feeling those feelings. Guilt that I’m so lucky and have everything I could have dreamed of, yet I feel so flat.
That’s not to say there are not happy moments – there are so many in my day, so many smiles, and silly moments and laughs, but somehow I lose them to the other feelings. I look back at photos of memories, and I look so happy, but is that just how it goes? Does my iPhone gallery just give a rose-tinted outlook?
I don’t want to miss the happy times during these precious months of feeling blue, but I don’t know how to escape it or who to talk to. So I keep going, keep battling, keep saying it’s just a phase, keep questioning my feelings, and inevitably, keep pushing all the ones who love me the most away. When deep down, I need them more than ever. Because really, I’m not ok.
TOP TIPS FROM ONE MUM TO ANOTHER
If anything from the above resonates with you in any way, then I hope you are reassured that it’s totally okay to feel that way – and it’s always ok not to be ok. Here are a few things I’ve taken on board that have helped me…
1. You’re not alone
What I learned when I looked beyond the IG-perfect mum posts was that, actually, many mums out there feel exactly the same. Many of us share that feeling of being overwhelmed, blue, anxious, and angry (and I could go on), alongside the pure joy that comes with motherhood. So next time you take a scroll through your IG feed, remind yourself of this – you’re not alone.
2. Talk about it (or write it down!)
It depends on your preference; there’s no right way – but find a way that’s right for you to share your thoughts or feelings. Whether it’s writing it down (even if it is on your iPhone!) or talking to a friend, your other half, or any of the amazing contact points out there offering confidential and free advice. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Even if the feelings are gone before you know it, it’s still ok to share them in whatever way you find best.
3. Don’t be afraid to seek help
No one should be afraid or ashamed to get help, either. There are some fab services here in Singapore. Speak to the experts.
4. Don’t burn out
Easier said than done (this is coming from someone who definitely burns the candles at both ends), but remember to make time for yourself. And that doesn’t include doing the dishes. We’re all guilty of classifying a long shower or doing the food shop (alone) as me-time, but maybe that means sometimes we’re doing ourselves a disservice. Sure, I’d take any of those too, but maybe a shower should be a given rather than a special me-time treat? But then again, I’m still working on that one…Whatever you think, try carving out time for yourself and put that as a priority alongside everyone else’s needs – because, at the end of the day, a healthy and happy mum really does mean a healthy and happy family.
5. Look after your mental health
And linked to that, look after your mental health. There’s so much out there targeting getting fit and watching your weight, but what about your mind? I’ve always been guilty of not giving it much thought – but I know I need to change that and take the time to look after it. If you’re searching for how to begin, check out our go-to tips for making sure you prioritise your mental health every day, not just for World Mental Health Day.
Take care, mums – you’ve got this.
Featured image: Sydney Sims via Unsplash