Eugh, hangovers. They suck-diddly-uck at the best of times, but then boom! Kids came along, making your ‘adult headaches’ pretty intolerable. Yep, hangovers with kids are the WORST.
Remember your pre-parent days, when you could go on an all-night bender, chugging drink after drink, then sleep it off the next day until whenever you darned well chose? When you could lie on the sofa nursing your banging head with greasy junk food, binge-watching TV and mindless romcoms all day and shunning all adulting duties? Yeah. Those days are gone. Now your self-inflicted suffering comes with a side of screaming toddler and (semi-)responsible parenting. So how do us parents get through a hangover when you have kids? These tips may* well do the trick…
*I use that word incredibly loosely.
1. Use your full arsenal of feminine charm. I don’t care if you have to resort to your special sexy ‘birthdays and anniversary’ undies, bribery, blackmail… even threaten to employ a hitman. If you’re hanging out of your arse after one too many vinos last night, do whatever you can to score a couple of extra hours in bed while your partner takes on parenting duty (you can always tag team if they were out last night with you). By. Any. Means. Necessary. There are only two things that are going to make you feel better today: sleep, and hair of the dog. And the responsible part of our brain tells us the latter isn’t an option.
2. Prep the ultimate horizontal-parenting toolkit. I’m talking fully charged iPads, Frozen on repeat… whatever you need to do to ensure another 60 minutes of quiet time, do it. Mummy has an ‘adult headache’ and needs to go to Sleepyland for an important meeting with Dr Pillow. Again, no judging here. Side note: don’t forget to hide or remove the batteries from any particularly obnoxious toys.
3. Prep your own survival toolkit. Stock up on bacon for the sarnie of your hangover-with-kids dreams. Paracetamol. Gatorade. Anything with sugar in. You know the drill.
4. Centre your day around sleep. I say send the kids to their grandparents for a sleepover (yes, I realise it’s only 11am but it’s 9pm somewhere in the world, right?), lock yourself in the bathroom so you can catch some zzzs on the refreshingly cool (but hopefully toenail-clipping-free) floor, or get creative with your role in the kids’ games. Sleeping lions is a good one. Or pretend to be a bridge so the kids can drive their toy cars up your back while you nod off – the Hot Wheels massage is on special today and is as relaxing as your day is going to get.
5. Prevention is better than cure. Look, I’m not going to go all preachy preachy and say “Don’t drink and parent, folks!” because a) I don’t want to get sucker punched in the face and b) HA! Who am I kidding?! Let’s face it – yes, you’re struggling through a hangover with kids, but it’s silly season and all this Mariah wants for Christmas is for you to top up my glass and crank up the tah-yoooooooons! But, in the name of responsible parenting, what I will say is when you eventually stagger home looking like Gollum after 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, down a glass of Berocca and take a couple of paracetamol before you pass out in a drooly mess. Worth a try, surely.
Yes, you’ll spend the day muttering “Never again” while you prise Lego from your toddler’s nose, wipe their snot from your bloodshot eyes and neck your fifth shot of espresso in an ironic echo of the night before. But let’s face it – despite the agony you’re experiencing today, it was kind of worth it, right?
On second thoughts, I’ll ask you tomorrow.