If it's time for the sex education talk with your kids, you'll want to read on. We have tips and tricks, plus a selection of helpful kid-friendly videos too!
“Daddy, why were you and Mommy making noises last night?” “Mommy, what’s a vibrator?” Yup, as parents, we’re often caught off guard by ‘curious’ questions from our kids. It’s natural for kids to ask questions about their bodies and new concepts, but it can be daunting for parents to talk to their children about sex. Is it the right time to have this conversation? Will my kids understand? Is my explanation too technical? Should I distract my child with something else and avoid the question altogether?
With increased access to the internet, information is available at the click of a button. Children can come across sexual content before they’re ready to understand it. As a parent, you may want to protect your children’s innocence and avoid talking about supposed “adult” topics. But proactively guiding them with age-appropriate sex education can help them recognise misinformation, understand boundaries and know when to ask for help. Evidence reviewed by UNESCO shows that comprehensive sexuality education can improve young people’s knowledge and reduce sexual risk-taking. Schools and teachers can certainly support your child’s sex education. However, they cannot replace parental support and conversations with parents.
How can you as a parent talk to your kids about sex?
- Firstly, you’ll want to find ways to proactively bring up the topic of sex education in a conversation. You could point out specific information while watching age-appropriate movies, or show educational cartoon videos to spark a conversation. Preview videos first to check that the information and language are suitable for your child.
- It’s important to be positive when educating your children and avoid too many “don’ts”. Sex education is about equipping your children with the right knowledge and guiding them down the right path. A “do not do this” and “do not do that” approach can make children less willing to ask questions or take in the useful information you are trying to impart.
- If you are uncomfortable with your child asking questions about sex education in public, politely explain why you prefer to discuss such topics in private, and make time to follow up. An angry, embarrassed or disappointed response can make them feel like they cannot approach you with such topics. Reassure them that asking questions is okay.
- It’s okay if you do not know all the answers to your children’s questions. Kids are constantly learning new slang and phrases. Be upfront and tell them you’ll get back to them when you have gathered reliable information about the unfamiliar topic, rather than giving vague or incorrect answers. This way, you can gain your child’s trust and increase the likelihood that they will come to you instead of relying on misinformation.
- Keep answers simple, honest and age-appropriate. Ask what your child already knows and what they mean by their question, then answer without overwhelming them with detail. Use accurate names for body parts, including vulva, vagina, penis and testicles, rather than suggesting these words are shameful.
Age-appropriate sex education: what should you talk about?
There’s no need to squeeze everything into one big conversation. Start with simple ideas and build on them as your child grows, following their questions and level of understanding.
- With younger children: Start with body-part names, privacy, personal boundaries and the message that they can tell a trusted adult if something worries them.
- With primary school children: Build on body safety, answer questions about reproduction and talk about puberty before the changes begin. Include online safety and what to do if they see upsetting or sexual content.
- With teens: Go into more detail about consent, healthy relationships, contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), sexual orientation and the risks of sharing intimate images online.
How to answer common sex education questions from children
Questions about puberty: “Why does my voice sound different?” or “When will I have breasts?”
Puberty can be daunting for kids. Their bodies are going through changes that can be challenging – physically and mentally. It’s important to educate them before they hit puberty so they are prepared for the changes. Educate your daughters about the menstrual cycle, what the different terms for periods are, how to prepare for periods, and what they can do if they get their period at school. Explain how to use period products and help them pack a spare pair of underwear and the products they need.
Educate your sons about wet dreams and ejaculation. Reassure them that these changes are normal, and that not everyone experiences wet dreams. It’s useful for all children to understand periods and other puberty changes, regardless of gender. Sometimes they may be concerned that the other kids in their class are showing visible changes while they are not. Let them know that everyone goes through puberty at a different pace. If you are concerned that puberty is starting unusually early or late, speak to your child’s doctor.
Puberty can also be a time when kids develop insecurities about their body image. Pay attention to whether your children are affected by bullying or mental health issues. Tell them about your personal journey through puberty, if you feel comfortable, to help them feel supported. Having open discussions with your children helps keep the conversation going about bodies, relationships and sex-related questions.
Explaining reproduction: “Where do babies come from?”
It may be tempting to change the subject when asked this question or narrate the whole ‘stork dropped you on the porch’ tale, but a simple, honest explanation can help your kids understand this important aspect of human biology. For younger children, you could explain that a baby can grow in a uterus when a sperm fertilises an egg. Keep the explanation brief and let their follow-up questions guide how much detail you share. An age-appropriate cartoon video can help, too. Being evasive may lead your kids to search the internet or ask their friends, where they could encounter myths and false expectations about sex.
If you are uncomfortable talking about human reproduction, other mammals can help start the conversation, but follow up with a clear answer about people. As your children get older, this can also be a good opportunity to ease the pressure around ‘losing one’s virginity’ and teach them about consent and safer sex, including contraception and condoms. Let them know that they deserve a warm, loving and respectful relationship and should not settle for anything less. For older kids and teens, you can go a step further and talk about sexting, STIs and sexual orientation. Explain that they should never feel pressured to send intimate images, and that images shared online can be copied or passed on without their permission.
Teaching consent and body safety: “Sometimes I feel funny hugging this person.”
Children may not recognise sexual abuse or know how to describe what has happened. Be proactive about empowering your kids with the right knowledge, while remembering that keeping children safe is adults’ responsibility. Abuse is never a child’s fault, even if they did not say “no” or tell someone straight away. Sexual abuse is a sensitive topic and can be difficult to explain to your children. You could start by talking about what “private parts” are, using accurate names for body parts. Explain that the parts covered by underwear are private, and that necessary help with hygiene or medical care should be explained to them.
While parents often try to teach children to listen to adults, you could also present them with scenarios where it would be okay to say “no” to an adult, including someone they know. Suggest ways for them to get out of uncomfortable situations and identify trusted adults they can tell. Let them know they can tell you about any touch, request or secret that worries them, and that they won’t be in trouble. If a child tells you about abuse, stay calm, listen, reassure them that it is not their fault and seek professional help to protect them.
At the same time, respect your child’s boundaries. Consent education starts with you setting a good example. If your child is uncomfortable with a hug or sitting on your lap, respect that feeling. Age-appropriate movies can offer opportunities to talk about boundaries and whether someone has asked before touching or kissing another person. For older children, explain that sexual consent must be freely given, can be withdrawn at any time and cannot be assumed from silence. You can also preview the cartoon video below before using it to talk to your kids about sexual abuse.
Pornography and online safety: “I saw some photos of naked people playing games. Why were they naked?”
You’d be surprised how easily kids can come across pornographic content, despite blockers and safeguards. Anything from an unexpected message to an innocent online search can lead your kids to explicit content. Stay calm and ask what they saw and how they feel, rather than berating or yelling at them. Explain in age-appropriate language that pornography is adult sexual content and is not a reliable guide to real-life bodies, sex or relationships.
Let them know that curiosity and questions are normal, but pornography is not appropriate for children. Reassure them that they can come to you if they see something confusing or upsetting, and show younger children how to close the page and tell a trusted adult. Review parental controls and privacy settings together, while keeping the conversation open.
For older children and teens, explain how pornography can create unrealistic expectations about bodies and sexual behaviour, and may leave out communication, contraception and clear consent. Real-life relationships should involve mutual respect and freely given consent. If your child is distressed by what they have seen or their viewing is affecting daily life, seek support from a qualified professional.
Keep the conversation about sex education going
Sex education is an ongoing process, not a one-time download of information. Engage your children in a format that works best for them and for you. With younger children, you can start by educating them on the basics of human anatomy, privacy and boundaries, leading into more specific topics. Cartoon videos (like the ones above from BoCo) and books can help make these conversations easier and less awkward. Preview resources first to check their accuracy and suitability for your child. As your children get older and more mature, you can go into more detail.
Sex education can be a team effort between parents and trusted caregivers. You can talk to your children together or individually, depending on what makes them comfortable. Show them that you are approachable and that there is no shame in respectfully talking about vulvas, vaginas and penises, regardless of gender. It may not always be comfortable to talk to your kids about sexual topics, but even a small step towards overcoming your discomfort can help your kids understand healthy and safe relationships in the long run. With the tools to make sex education less embarrassing and more informative, we can empower our children and ourselves to remove the stigma around these conversations.
This article was originally written for HoneyKids by BoCo – a non-profit social impact venture aimed at simplifying sex education. BoCo’s original contribution described its kid-friendly sex education animation videos as drawing on information from doctors and health organisations, with topics ranging from puberty and reproduction to sexual abuse. It also noted that the project had received a Young Change Makers grant from Singapore’s National Youth Council.
