We think teens are scary, but adolescence is a bit of a roller coaster ride, especially in this digital age. Today we face other kinds of issues, especially as we navigate the aftermath of the pandemic and the rise of social media. There are new challenges when parenting teens; at the forefront is how these challenges impact their mental health.
In the second episode of the latest season of Growing Pains, Dr Neil Forrest of Osler Health International shares how parents can help teens struggling with their mental health.
Learn some meaningful insights on how to spot and deal with mental health issues in teenagers, some important facts about the teenage brain and some useful advice on how we can work with teens during this period of their lives.
Time codes for key talking points in this podcast episode
00:00 – Welcome to Growing Pains
01:05 – What is normal teen behaviour?
02:53 – How prevalent are mental health issues among teens in Singapore? What are some common problems they face?
04:24 – What are some common misconceptions about mental illness in teenagers?
06:09 – What are the warning signs a teenager might be struggling with mental health issues?
09:19 – How can parents, guardians, and caregivers help?
13:05 – How can adults ensure that their own mental health and well-being are taken care of, while also supporting their teen’s mental health needs?
15:45 – How does social media technology affect our teens mental health?
18:14 – Should parents monitor their teens’ social media use in order to prevent negative effects on their mental health?
21:54 – What role can schools and educators play in addressing this issue?
24:45 – Understanding the teenage brain
26:12 – How can this stigma around mental health be reduced in Singapore, particularly among teens?
27:25 – What can be done to promote greater awareness and understanding?
28:24 – How can teenagers support their own mental health?
30:00 – What resources are available in Singapore for teens and families dealing with mental health issues?
33:58 – Reflecting on the conversation with Dr Neil
Further reading
Featured voices
- Angela Neo, host of the Growing Pains podcast and mother of two.
- Sufyan Saad, lifestyle writer at The Honeycombers. He was previously at HoneyKids Asia.
- Dr Neil Forrest is the go-to for adolescent health-related concerns. Known for his calm, non-judgemental approach, he is the ‘safe space’ for teens (and their worried parents)! Osler Health International believes mental health is as important as physical health and is known for its ethical approach to healthcare (even providing helpers with free cervical cancer tests). The organisation always keeps emergency appointments free each day, so if you need to speak to a doctor urgently, just contact them. Follow Osler Health on Facebook and Instagram.
Growing Pains is a modern parenting podcast where we tackle the constantly changing landscape of parenting in Singapore. This season, we dive deep into modern parenting challenges: navigating the digital age, teen mental health and more during our candid conversations with parents and experts on this Little Red Dot. Tune in now! Follow the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Full Transcript
Angela Neo
Teens can be a scary bunch. They’re at that age when their parents can be puzzled by what’s going on in their heads as they become who they will be as adults. So what can parents do to help their teens figure themselves out? More importantly, how can parents help teens as they struggle with mental health?
Welcome to Growing Pains, a podcast by HoneyKids Asia that explores the challenges of modern parenting and provides a safe space for parents to navigate the ever-changing landscape of parenthood. My name is Ange, I’m a mum to two boys – Xavier who’s 11 and Marcel, who is 9. In this episode, we chat with Dr. Neil Forrest of Osler Health International and a father of two about the teenage brain, particularly in understanding mental health struggles.
Hi, Neil, it’s so lovely to have you here with us today. Thanks for joining us on the podcast. Now, today, we’re going to talk all about teen behaviour; perhaps if we could start with what would you say is normal teen behaviour?
Dr Neil Forrest
Sure. So, as with anything in life and in people, it’s hard to say what normal is because everyone’s different. But I think we’d all recognise that there are some normal traits that we see in teenagers, and many of these are sort of stereotypical; you see them in movies and that kind of thing. So there’s an increased desire for independence to want to do more things independently. And I think, as parents, that’s something that we have to get used to because we’re used to our kids being reliant on us for everything, and suddenly, they don’t want to be any more. They might want to spend more time with friends, or they might want to spend less time with you.
Angela Neo
Very likely, yes.
Dr Neil Forrest
Behaviours like rebelling and testing you and pushing boundaries are time-honoured teenage traits that we can probably recognise in ourselves from when we were teenagers. They sometimes become less communicative with parents. So you feel like you find out less about their day, or less about their life. And I think a lot of parents I see have anxieties about not really knowing what’s going on in their teenagers’ lives. And then, of course, the physical changes that are going on in teenagers. Going through puberty, growing, changing, reaching sexual maturity. So, having first relationships, and that kind of thing, would all fall into the normal category. That doesn’t mean they’re easy.
Angela Neo
No.
Dr Neil Forrest
But we wouldn’t classify them as medical problems. And it doesn’t mean that a doctor can’t help with advice. And, you know, whether it’s the teenager or the parents, we expect all those things to happen to some degree.
Angela Neo
How prevalent are mental health issues amongst teens in Singapore, and what are some of the common problems they face?
Dr Neil Forrest
So it’s hard to get a good handle on prevalence in Singapore. I think there’s still a stigma attached to mental health all over the world. It’s not exclusive to Singapore. But I think in younger people here, and maybe the way that the education system is set up, there might be less of a willingness to come forward and talk about stuff, even in anonymous surveys, which is how this data is normally collected.
I think most countries probably underestimate it. A recent study I was reading from the UK quoted 50% of teenagers as experiencing anxiety or depression at some point. It may even be higher if we include the full spectrum of anxiety disorders; it may be nearer 80%. Now, not all those people will seek help, see a doctor or a professional, or even speak to anyone about it. So it’s a really broad spectrum. I think sometimes, when people think about mental illness, they think about very severe mental health issues like eating disorders or delusional disorders like schizophrenia, but there’s a whole spectrum there. So, ‘way more common than you think’ would be my answer.
Angela Neo
What are some common misconceptions about mental illness in teenagers?
Dr Neil Forrest
I had to think about this one because I think if you asked me ‘are there misconceptions about mental health?’ I’d say yes, straightaway. But then, if you ask me what they are, I had to sort of sit there and give it five minutes. The ones that I can think of, firstly, are that it’s rare. I still run into a lot of people, not just young people, who think that what they’re going through is really unusual, and no one else feels like this. And many of them are almost relieved when I tell them that it’s not. Another misconception is that it’s a sign of weakness or a failing. And that can be from the individual themselves, parents, or people around them.
Another is that it’s a choice. That’s a misconception when we compare it to physical illnesses. Nobody would say that a patient with epilepsy, for example, was choosing to be epileptic. But for some reason, the patient with mental illness has ‘brought this on themselves’ or is ‘choosing’ to feel this way.
I think young people have a misconception that it results from bad parenting. And so there’s a guilt attached to it when I speak to parents, that it’s somehow their fault or something that they’ve caused. I’m not saying that parenting isn’t important for psychological development. Of course, it is. But it doesn’t mean that that’s always the reason.
Angela Neo
And then, this is a question that is on the tip of so many parents’ tongues when they have a tween or child that’s going through a lot of changes and getting into those teen years. What are the warning signs a teenager might struggle with mental health illnesses?
Dr Neil Forrest
It’s a hard one to answer because we are using the broad term ‘mental illness’, aren’t we? Of course, there are different types. And each is going to have different signs and symptoms, I guess, if we start with the ones that are common to people, not just teenagers, changes in behaviour, withdrawing from or avoiding certain situations.
It’s common to hear people not wanting to go out and see friends anymore or not engaging in social activities that they might have done quite happily before. There can be physical signs, such as weight loss or weight gain, changes in appetite, changes in sleep. Often a presenting symptom that I see in teenagers is pain. So headaches, abdominal pain, occasionally chest pain, that kind of thing, which, of course, we have to rule out the physical causes of those things.
Angela Neo
But, sometimes, it’s anxiety.
Dr Neil Forrest
In fact, in the case of abdominal pain, I would say more often than not, it’s that there’s a strong psychological underlying to it. This doesn’t mean they’re making the pain up. It just means that it manifests as a feeling inside their abdomen. I think we could all recognise those anxiety symptoms of butterflies in the stomach or the stomach-churning, right? There’s a strong connection between the brain and the gut, and most of us can handle that for a few hours before an interview, an exam or a podcast. But it’s supposed to go away.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Dr Neil Forrest
For people suffering from this every day, the physical signs can be quite profound. Often they will seem sad, sounds obvious to say. But if someone’s going through depression, they will come across as sad, have a negative view of the world or of themselves, and feel very demotivated. If someone’s anxious at the extreme end, it might manifest as panic attacks. And you might not see the panic attack, it might be that kid that’s leaving class to go to the bathroom and not coming back for half an hour, you don’t see it. These symptoms often happen in private, but there are things that are specific to teenagers that we sometimes see.
A drop-off in school performance would be one in a kid that’s doing fine. If performance starts to tank, this can be a warning sign. Of course, there are other reasons for that as well. Aggression, I think, is always an interesting one. We see that, sometimes, in young people. I mean, it’s a classic one in the emergency room. In cases of trauma, where a kid’s losing blood or blood pressure’s dropping, or there’s some internal problem, it will often manifest itself as aggression, not drowsiness in the initial phases. And that can be a really difficult one to read. And we see the same thing sometimes with mental health problems. We don’t know if it’s a coping mechanism or if it’s just an immature response to the feelings that are going on. But the reason that’s a problem is it’s often interpreted by teachers or by parents as just—
Angela Neo
Acting out.
Dr Neil Forrest
Acting out and doing something that needs to be punished rather than address the underlying issues.
Angela Neo
So then, what can we, as parents or caregivers, do to help our teams in these circumstances?
Dr Neil Forrest
So this is the question, isn’t it? This is the point at which everyone wants me to give them the perfect solution. And we can switch off the podcasts. ‘Great, I’ve done it!’ I’m going to disappoint you by saying, you know, it’s always a work in progress. Very unlikely that you’ll be able to solve all these issues in one easy conversation. First of all, you need to create an environment where they can talk to you, right? Because otherwise, how are you going to even get to steps two, three or four? And that can be difficult.
I remember a previous colleague who said she spoke to her teenage kids in the car. Because when she was driving, they didn’t have to make eye contact with her. And that seemed to allow them a chance to open up. They would talk to her when they could just stare out the window and talk rather than when they were facing each other in a room. And so it’ll be different for every kid, but arrange some sort of environment where they can come to you with their problems. And then, the first thing to do would be to just recognise and acknowledge the problem.
So I think the worst thing you can do is try and play it down immediately. Even if you think this might not be as big a deal as they’re making it. Cast your mind back to when you were a teenager. Every little thing that happened was like the end of the world, wasn’t it? You know, that relationship that ended, or that friend you fell out with. And, of course, we look back now, and we see them as trivial things. And it’s very easy as a parent to say, ‘you’ll get over that, don’t worry.’ I think, at least at the start of the moment, recognise that it’s a big deal to them, and acknowledge that. Listen to what they’re saying without trying to fix it for them straightaway. I think sometimes they just want to be heard. And they want to feel that we care and that we’re listening.
Angela Neo
Yes. We’re trying to solve it for them.
Dr Neil Forrest
They don’t necessarily react well to solutions, particularly ones from their parents. And I think our initial instinct is often to jump in and try and start fixing it for them. And so I would say, initially, just listen and acknowledge. Don’t try to solve the problem. And if you’re stuck, you don’t know what to do, be on their team.
Work with them to help find the solution. It’s okay to say, ‘look, I’ve never experienced anything like this before, I don’t know how to help you. But there are people out there that can. Let’s speak to your teacher or go and see the doctor, or speak to the school counsellor, or whoever it is. There are plenty of resources available,’ and just sort of help them get there.
I think the final thing I would say in the ‘what to do as a parent’ category would be to model behaviours in yourself to them. If we manage our own mental health, emotional health and relationships and those kinds of things well in front of our kids, then they’re more likely to pick up good habits.
Angela Neo
Or at least think, ‘maybe I can ask them, and they will understand.’
Dr Neil Forrest
Yeah, exactly. There’s long been this question that we know conditions like depression and anxiety tend to run in families, and people have puzzled over ‘is there a genetic cause that’s passed down in a truly inherited way? Or is it that kids that grow up in houses where anxiety or depression are an issue are more likely to environmentally absorb those traits?’ The truth is, it’s probably both. And like most things in life, if we can set a good example, then that’s a start.
Angela Neo
So whilst we’re trying to support our children, how do we also support our own mental health while trying to help our children who might be going through something quite stressful for us? How do we cope and protect ourselves and our own mental health?
Dr Neil Forrest
I talk about things that you can do yourself because I think if you’re doing all these things, and you’re still feeling terrible, then I would say, come and see me, and we’ll talk about it. But in terms of prevention, one of the things that we like to push hard at Osler is preventative care, or solutions that come from lifestyle rather than medicines, if possible. I would say you’ve got to eat a healthy diet low in processed food. There’s a lot of concern around the increase in mental health issues in the era of ultra-processed and refined foods, and is there some underlying inflammatory cause for that?
Exercising regularly seems to help your mental health and be really, really good for you physically. So those are two things I would get in order straightaway. Some sort of mental stimulation seems to be helpful. So we know that in adults, work is protective. So people who are in employment, on average, have fewer mental health problems than people who can’t find employment. Now, a whole host of work factors could be stressing you out. In general, having a purpose, giving the brain something to do, seems to be helpful. That’s probably why during the pandemic, in the shifts to work from home and furlough, and all the things that went on there, we saw problems arising.
Mindful activities seem to help, so everyone talks about meditation and meditation; meditative practice is, I think, the argument settled now that it helps. In what way and how much can be debated. But people practising mindfulness seem to see benefits in their mental health. But I would say mindful activities in general. So if you’re not a meditator, it can be going for a run or spending time in nature, or doing a crossword or a Sudoku, you know, it doesn’t have to be limited to downloading a meditation app and listening to it. Getting enough sleep time enough – maybe I should have put that number one. So important, particularly for teenagers, and avoiding alcohol and harmful substances, again, something that teenagers like to experiment with if they can sometimes.
Angela Neo
How about social media? How does social media technology affect our teens’ mental health?
Dr Neil Forrest
So I was watching, probably on social media, I was watching an interview with a celebrity the other day, and I can’t remember who it was. But he was saying that he would turn the internet off if he could; if he could switch the internet off tomorrow, would there be a net benefit to society? And I’m not sure about that. Because clearly, it’s become incredibly useful. But if we focus on social media, it has been shown across multiple studies to be linked to depression and anxiety. The social media companies might argue that that’s a result of overuse.
But I would counter-argue that these products are designed for overuse. They are designed to be addictive. They are designed to keep you clicking and scrolling. So they want, their desire is to overuse. It increases loneliness. It is generally a solitary activity, it decreases self-esteem and a fear of missing out, which exists in everyone. But remember when you were a teenager and missed out on something everyone else was going to? Now imagine that they’d all taken pictures of it, recorded it, and sent it to a device in your pocket. I feel like I had a pretty good teenage years overall, but I would have found that very difficult to handle.
Angela Neo
You are making me anxious just talking about that because it was so easy to just miss out on things and then move on.
Dr Neil Forrest
Yeah. There was no record of it, right? Unless someone took pictures.
Angela Neo
Okay, I missed all that fun. But we’re back at school now. It’s forgotten.
Dr Neil Forrest
Exactly. And I guess following on from that if someone is getting bullied and the issue around cyberbullying. So, again, if someone was getting bullied at school, pre-social media, when they went home at the end of the day, there was a break from the bullying. Now they can be bullied remotely in their bedroom. That makes things worse. There’s the comparison that young people make to each other, comparing their lives to others and a sense of inadequacy if they feel they’re not living up to it. And I think maybe as adults, most of us have the maturity to see that what people post on social media is the best 1% of their life.
Angela Neo
Yeah, it’s the highlight reel.
Dr Neil Forrest
Exactly. And I’m not sure kids see it so much that way. And then, finally, going back to my previous point, sleep; if they’re lying in bed scrolling through Snapchat, then they’re not sleeping, and that’s not good.
Angela Neo
Should parents monitor their teen’s social media in order to prevent negative effects? So we should spend more time understanding how much they’re using your social media and put in place some boundaries in terms of that?
Dr Neil Forrest
Yeah. Now that’s not me saying that it is easy in any way. This is a thing I see. I see a huge flashpoint when parents and teenagers debate over how much is too much and the rules around screens. Should they [screens] be in or outside the bedroom? I think they should be outside the bedroom at night. I think it’s okay to limit screen time. There are a lot of debates about how much is too much. There’s a problem with accessing it at the same time as doing schoolwork. Even my kids, who are not teenagers yet, still use iPads to do their homework.
That’s how the school delivers the homework. And that iPad is connected to the internet. That’s a problem. In terms of sleep, people like to talk about blue light and stimulation just before bedtime, which is clearly not a great way to promote healthy sleep. But, I think there’s also the psychological stimulation. If these people were looking at screens, and it was butterflies flying across meadows and classical music playing, I don’t think it would cause the same problems around sleep as opposed to it being on Twitter or Snapchat and ‘look at this. Look at that. Click again. Follow this link. Look what he’s doing. Look what she’s doing.’ It’s stimulating the brain. And so we’re going to bed completely wired, not just from the blue light, but from the content we’re viewing.
Angela Neo
Yeah, the biggest challenge for me is what other kids are allowed. So, in our family, it’s quite easy for me to set the rules and the boundaries. My kids don’t have phones yet or anything like that. But then there is this realisation that if your child is the only person in class who doesn’t have a phone, they suddenly become isolated. So you then have to kind of change the goalposts for your own parenting. Otherwise, they’re suffering in another way. So it actually just becomes so complicated.
Dr Neil Forrest
It does. Yeah. And, of course, the kids aren’t telling each other the truth about what their parents are saying to them. Because everyone is inflating. And so I see this all the time. ‘I’m the only one who cannot have my phone in this scenario, and all my friends are.’ And we know that’s not true.
Angela Neo
But at the same time, you don’t want them to be left out of the conversation. I know how, you know, if I missed an episode of Friends back when I was in high school. I was not in the conversation for a whole week because that’s what everyone was talking about. Similarly, with [my] children, I certainly don’t want to be seen as strict and not allowing them things. But at the same time, you start to compromise on your family values to make sure that they’re not left out because that’s another form of being socially out of the loop, which is another way to cause stress and anxiety. So it’s like this vicious little circle.
Dr Neil Forrest
I mean, we talked about prevention. And from a lifestyle perspective, I mean, them having real-world social connections, as opposed to digital world ones, and having activities that exist in the real real world, like sports or music, or, or whatever, it is clearly going to offer some protection, you know if they’re playing basketball, they’re not on their phone at that moment, you know, if they’re, if they’re in a band, you know, social media might be part of it, but it’s not going to be the whole story.
Angela Neo
Yeah. And I do think you’re right, like keeping them busy allows them time to have the technology, but outside of all the things that are good for them, right? What role can schools and educators play in addressing this issue?
Dr Neil Forrest
Well, it’s a good question. I’m not a teacher. But first of all they can, they can educate, so they can talk to the kids about these issues, that that should be one of the places that it happens. So that it’s on the table, so that kids are aware, because, as we said, when we talked about misconceptions here, that it’s a choice or that it’s uncommon, you know, those things aren’t true. And so the school plays a role in educating about that. They can even teach stress management techniques and techniques and mindfulness techniques.
And that kind of thing, oh, my daughter has just started once a week mindfulness CCA where they do gratitude and meditation, the seven-year-olds, and then do colouring in and things. So, you know, sort of promoting looking after yourself self-care, as as I think the kids like to call it these days, they can train teachers to spot the warning signs, of course. So, that’s something that educators need to be across; they don’t need to be able to solve the problems for the kids, but at least spot when there might be a problem and raise the alarm.
The other thing that we can do is I talked to parents a lot about the teenage brain and how it is wiring itself through development. And that’s an ongoing process that, for some kids, doesn’t reach maturity until their early 20s. So they’re making some very impulsive decisions, and a bit of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, which is supposed to be talking to our amygdala in the more immediate parts of our decision-making process to just stop, pause, do you really think that’s a good idea or think about what the long term consequences of that decision might be?
That isn’t necessarily happening in teenagers, but we can harness that to restructure the school day; we know that they like to sleep later and go to bed later. That’s part of their brain development. So is there some way that we can shift the school day later? In places where that’s been tried, they’ve seen a reduction in mental health problems and better exam performance. But even if we can’t do that, could we put the more important stuff later in the day so that they’re not flunking their exams in the morning because their brains are still not working?
Angela Neo
Not awake yet.
Dr Neil Forrest
The other thing we can harness is their reward systems. So there, they don’t respond particularly well to punitive punishments, which is fine. Sometimes there’s a place for that, and wrong deeds have got to be punished. But making reparations for what you’ve done wrong in teenagers seems to have more of an effect. And the same on the punishment side on the reward side. They’re not great at long-term thinking. So telling them, you know, I’ll buy driving lessons if you do well this year, but that’s 10 minutes away.
Angela Neo
That’s too far away. No way. Yea.
Dr Neil Forrest
You’d be better with smaller incentives given on a more regular basis. So schools can definitely sort of harness some of the peculiarities of the teenage brain for sure.
Angela Neo
And how about in terms of mental health issues? How can schools help identify and support those teams who might be sick or struggling?
Dr Neil Forrest
So, I mean, I think I say talking about it first, create a little bit like at home when I said, you know, create an environment where they’re able to talk about it, you know, for issues like like bullying, for example, there needs to be an environment within the school where someone feels that they can come forward and talk about it. That they’ll be respected, where, let’s say, the institution is taking mental health seriously. And walking the walk is as well as talking the talk. Most schools now have school counsellors, which pretty sure mine didn’t when I was at school.
So that’s a great step and a great first resource. Some of the kids I see don’t want to see the school counsellor because it’s connected to the school, and they worried that they might be seen going into the room or that it’s, in some way, it’s not confidential from their teacher. So that’s fine. It can be a starting point. But if you don’t want to do that, come and see your GP, you know, we’re very used to dealing with these issues, we’ll talk you through it. And if needed, we’ll work with the school. Many of the talks I do on this topic are in schools around Singapore, for the parents rather than the kids, just to try and educate people.
Angela Neo
How can this stigma around mental health be reduced in Singapore, particularly among teens?
Dr Neil Forrest
So first of all, we can talk about it and be aware of it and not be frightened to relate our own experiences; I do think it helps when well-known people or people in the public eye talk about this stuff because maybe it just gets it out there and empowers other people to relate their own experiences. We can educate ourselves and each other about mental illnesses and how they’re managed; it would be great to see it (mental health) get parity.
And this is not a Singapore problem. This is a global problem with physical health. So to be treated by healthcare systems and governments with the same level of importance as they treat preventing diabetes or heart disease, for example. And then I think you’re sort of using respectful language. So there’s still a lot of derogatory language around people with mental health issues. And that needs to change. If we want people to come forward and be open and honest, then, you know, we need to be talking about them with respectful language.
Angela Neo
What can be done to promote greater awareness and understanding? Is it really looking at the leaders within a country or the influences, for want of a better phrase?
Dr Neil Forrest
No, I think it’s at every level.
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Dr Neil Forrest
It’s people like us having conversations like this, it’s government ministers, it’s teachers, it’s parents, you know, I think it’s so much better than it was; yes, progress has been made. But we still got a way to go. But people want you, I think there’s a need inside people to talk about this. Whenever my clinic organises an event around mental health, particularly for young people, it’s often our best-attended talks are our most popular things. It’s the one school that has asked us to come back and do it again and again. And so we publish something online, and it gets the most clicks. So there are people out there who want to have this conversation. We just need to keep having it.
Angela Neo
We’ve discussed how we can support our teams if they struggle. So what can teenagers themselves do to better support their own mental health?
Dr Neil Forrest
So I think that the factors we talked about before, in terms of lifestyle factors that we do to promote our own mental health, are just as important in teenagers; I might prioritise them slightly differently, I might put sleep at the very top, but maybe I do that for adults as well. So and we don’t make that easy for them. The school day starts so early in some of these schools, and my kids get on the bus at 6:55. I think now they’re not teenagers yet, but that will be a problem when they are. So that might mean a compromise on their part, say, going to bed earlier than in an ideal world; they would like the week to make sure that they’re still getting eight hours of sleep because they probably need more than we do.
You know, if we say adults need six to eight hours, there’ll be many, many teenagers that might need seven, eight, 9, 10 hours of sleep a night, and parents repeatedly say to me, this problem arises or it gets worse when sleep deprivation has been a problem. We talked about social media and managing that and screen time and that sort of stuff. Many teenagers don’t think so much about eating well and exercising regularly because they don’t have many health problems, and old age seems a long way away, but it’s still so important for their mental health. I mean, if they’re eating rubbish and drinking energy drinks all day, what is putting that into them? How do we expect to get something good out of them soon? I think a lot of lifestyle advice is applicable to both adults and teenagers.
Angela Neo
What resources are available in Singapore for teens and families dealing with mental health issues?
Dr Neil Forrest
So that’s a lot of what I do is actually trying to signpost people to the right place to respond. We talked about the negative effects of the internet, haven’t we? But there are a lot of positive effects as well. And so, you know, some great online resources exist for people. And sometimes, I might refer a young person just to an online resource, there’s an Australian one actually called This Way Up, which I use a lot, which is sort of doctor-prescribed courses of behavioural therapy that they can do online at their own pace. And there are different ones for insomnia or anxiety, etc.
That would be, you know, a low-level intervention in a child that I didn’t have too many concerns about. There are psychologists and therapists who will see someone remotely or in person, there are doctors like me, schools, friends and family. You know, I think, if you’re struggling, ask for help. And there’s a lot there are a lot of things here that, you know, I just would not expect you to manage as a parent completely on your own without any outside assistance; it’s okay to put your hand up and say, either I’ve tried, and it’s not working, or I just don’t have a clue what to do.
Angela Neo
Yeah, or just the reassurance that it’ll take time or it actually everything’s okay, this is a cheat, the word normal, but it is reasonable behaviour for a teen, and then you have that, and you go, okay, so for now, we’ll just continue as we are, or as you say, we very much don’t know when we need intervention a lot of the time, and it is seeing an expert to reassure or say actually no, on this occasion, I would recommend a different course of action. It just gives you the tools you need to be able to sleep at night yourself if your child is experiencing something that they haven’t before or acting irregularly. I do know that when my oldest son went, and they did the puberty chat at school, the biggest thing that all the kids took away from that chat, and it actually made them a little bit sad and stressed, was that they said their friendships would change a lot.
And it was the thing, they all looked at each other and went, but you’re my best friend, but we’re always going to be friends. And they’re the kinds of things that are very difficult as parents to navigate with them. Because it’s so new and the changing friendships, someone suddenly doesn’t like them anymore. And the complication of that. Yeah, I guess having the reassurance that you can just talk to someone and find out whether you need that additional help. It just gives you the peace of mind we all need. And why honestly, Neil, I was so excited to talk to you today. And I did say so off-mic because it’s the reassurance we need as parents: there are levers you can pull and people you can talk to. And sometimes it’s just hard being a parent, and your teen is a nightmare.
Dr Neil Forrest
Yes. Sometimes I have that conversation. I’m like, Look there, there’s no, there’s no medical problem here that we need to address this. You know, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t tough, but you know, give it some time, see how it goes. If this or this happens, let me know what you’re doing. Okay, just keep going.
Angela Neo
And on a bit of a lighthearted question, but our teenagers, as scary as they seem, when you’re meeting with teens, are they a little more intimidating, maybe, than the parents? I mean, should we be afraid of them?
Dr Neil Forrest
Absolutely. They’re awesome. Actually, they’re funny. They’re all unique. They think in ways that just don’t seem possible for older adults and can be challenging. And they don’t come with an instruction manual. And I think the real difficulty as parents is that they’re very difficult, different to our kids when they were younger. But no, they’re awesome, really. And like so many of us, sometimes they just need some extra help.
Angela Neo
Thanks. Yeah. Thank you, Neil, for the reassurance and some wonderful tips and tools for us parents. It’s been a delight to have you on the podcast. Thank you. No worries. Anytime. Thanks for having me. Thank you, Neil, for our chat today. I am now joined by our Podcast Producer, Suf, to chat a little about today’s episode. Hey, Suf.
Sufyan Saad
Hello.
Angela Neo
So what have you learned from today’s episode?
Sufyan Saad
Hmm, let me think; you know, the parenting landscape has changed so much, right? Ange, I mean, nowadays, parents have to be more aware of things like mental health, which is very important. If you think about it previously or past generations. That’s not something that parents will be thinking about. One thing that Neil has highlighted, and I think it applies to everyone, not just parents, is to listen with empathy and not to listen, to find a solution.
I think it’s very important because people, especially teens, just want you to listen when they share their problems; yes, they just want that empathising ear. They don’t want you to find a solution to their problems unless they voice it out. So they just want that listening.
Angela Neo
It’s so true because they also aren’t coming to us because they think that we actually know better than them, either. They just want us to listen and be a safe space for them to be able to talk.
Sufyan Saad
Yeah, exactly. And I think not providing a solution also shows that it’s a learning opportunity for parents as well because what you may have experienced as a teen is different from what your teams are experiencing today.
Angela Neo
Yeah, and we can’t project our own past experiences on this.
Sufyan Saad
Exactly. I think that’s another thing that the projection because wherever we have experienced or thought that we have found the solutions for may not necessarily work for today’s kids. So and your kids are preteens? I mean, Xavier is 11. And Marcel is nine. Are you prepared to deal with them? When they approach teenager-dom?
Angela Neo
No. No, look, I feel a little bit better prepared after our chat with Neil; the reality is that I’m not there yet. And I am quite nervous about it. Because there are so many parents that I’ve spoken to that have 10 kids that say, oh, you know, if you have a boy, they’re not going to talk to you for years, or this is gonna happen. And you know, the kids have puberty chats at school when they are told about all the big changes that will happen in their lives. So, no, I’m not at all prepared. And I am quite daunted by the prospect of having children taller than me soon and, you know, suddenly have deep voices and things like that.
But I do know that the more we have these conversations and learn from others’ experiences, the better I’ll feel, and just also knowing, as Neil said, there’s always someone you can talk to. So yes, you’ve got medical professionals, and I very much believe in using their support, if and when you need to, but also your friends, like other people that have children the same age, or just your mom and dad, anybody, your partner. So I’m gonna stumble through the best I can, Suf, equipped with all the tools I can gain from hosting this podcast. And yet, within my own community,
Sufyan Saad
It’s a reminder that you’re not alone because everyone else has either gone through it or they’re going through it together with you, definitely in the same space. Do you think it would be easier if you had teenage daughters since they are teenage sons?
Angela Neo
Absolutely not. I also think I honestly, who knows, might because when I was a teenager, I was a particular way. I know that my siblings and other friends were more difficult or easier. You really don’t know. I do think sometimes it’s easier when you’ve got a child who’s experiencing the same changes as you are.
So there are certain things I won’t be able to relate to because I was never a teenage boy. But I also wouldn’t change who they are. So I’m just going to have to see how we go. Thanks, Suf. I think that brings us to the end of this week’s podcast episode. Thank you all for listening, and we will see you next time.
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