Is respectful parenting only for certain ‘types’ of children? We address some of the most common misconceptions about respectful parenting with help from the parenting educators at EtonHouse International School and Pre-School.
You’ve probably already heard of the term “respectful parenting”. It’s a parenting approach based on building a respectful parent-child relationship, prioritising connections with children and treating them the way they – adults – would want to be treated. Sounds great? Unfortunately, there are some misconceptions about this parenting approach.
We spoke to the parenting educators from EtonHouse International School and Pre-School, Lisamarie Hughes and Natalie Loh, about some of the most common respectful parenting myths. From whether this parenting approach is only for ‘perfect’ parents and ‘cooperative’ children, to if it means no disciplining at all – we’ve got all the misconceptions addressed here.
Got a burning question and need the answer? Jump to the video section that’s relevant to you!
Speaker introductions – 3.44
Myth #1: Respectful parenting is permissive and lets children do whatever they want – 5.25
Myth #2: Spare the rod, spoil the child. Children need punishment to learn – 13.15
Myth #3: Respectful parenting doesn’t work when children are not cooperative. – 19.43
Myth #4: Respectful parenting is only for ‘perfect’ parents’ – 28.10
Myth #5: My child is already a tween/teen, it’s too late for me to start respectful parenting – 33.03
Myth #6: Respectful parenting doesn’t work for all families – 38.14
Final thoughts from panellists – 41.35
Q & A – 45.45
Respectful parenting myths – DEBUNKED!
1. Myth: Spare the rod, spoil the child. Children need punishment to learn.
Natalie: “Too often, we forget that discipline really means to teach, not to punish.” This is a quote by Daniel J. Siegel. Respectful parents who choose not to punish their children are not permissive. Children can be disciplined and nurtured in respectful ways. Some of the ways this can be done is:
- Identify a safe space for children to experience both big and small emotions;
- Use logical and natural consequences which allow children to feel psychologically secure and empowered.
Threats and rewards are temporary solutions and may not work in the long run.
2. Myth: Respectful parenting doesn’t work when children are not cooperative or not remorseful.
Lisamarie: Children typically feel disappointed or sad by their undesirable behaviour and quickly pick up key catchphrases that they know help pacify the situation and please adults, such as “sorry” or “I will not do it again”. These are general terms used by children with the goal of recovering the situation and moving on from the unpleasant scenario.
However, they may not fully understand how to ‘never do something again’ as this is a big ask even for adults. Helping with deeper reflections, such as “what won’t you do again?” and “I wonder what made you feel like doing that?”, helps find deeper thinking and triggers for your child. Giving another idea by actually role-modelling it, “maybe you can try this instead”, also helps tangibly showcase another idea and action.
3. Myth: Respectful parenting is only for ‘perfect’ and calm parents.
Natalie: This is a common misconception because the reality of life is that everyone has frustrations and limits. Every one of us has our hot buttons or trigger points. What sets another parent off might not do the same for another.
However, successful respectful parenting is not about striving for perfection or achieving the best-behaved children, but helping your child develop emotional intelligence and learn how to regulate their feelings, thereby nurturing a stronger parent-child relationship, built on empathy, trust, and mutual respect.
Children grow up to emulate our behaviours and actions. So when we yell at them for misbehaviour, they will learn to do the same to us or to others. By having greater awareness that our emotions play an integral role in parenting respectfully, we also can be more reflective and mindful of our trigger points to help us manage our responses better.
For example, if we know that loud noises or screams are our triggers, be sure to take deep breaths and not react to the situation. By yelling back at your child, it shows them how to react in an unwanted situation. We can speak to them calmly but firmly, for example: “That voice is too loud, and it is hurting my ears. I know you are excited. Let’s remember we use our indoor voice when we are inside the house.”
Or if our trigger point is about punctuality and not being late, try to set those expectations with your child before and set them up for success by giving them ample time to have their breakfast or to put their shoes on. Share with them why tomorrow is a very important day and when we have to keep to the time. I sometimes tag team with my husband when we reach a point where either of us has to step away from the situation. That helps greatly because we are able to support our children in the best version of ourselves.
Respectful parenting: TOP TIPS FROM THE EXPERTS
1. Practise your ‘pause’
Lisamarie: Pause and take control by asking if you will react or respond to your child’s behaviour. Reacting in the moment is perfectly understandable, but often this ends with words or actions used that later creates a sense of regret, frustration, or guilt. Often, it also makes the situation worse. Responding gives you the power to pause, think, and choose your next step in a rational manner. Consider how you will manage and practise your pause. Will there be a mantra that you tell yourself, a long inhale and exhale or simply counting down from ten to collect yourself? This brief yet vital moment with ‘pause’ gives you a golden ticket to pivot and make another choice.
2. Allow yourself to heal from the past
Natalie: Our brain is wired by default and unknowingly allows our past childhood experiences to influence the way we parent. It is important to talk about these emotions and baggage and be aware of our prejudices. There will be days that make us feel that respectful parenting is unattainable, or that we have missed the mark. Just remember that by persevering or making little changes, it will have a bigger impact down the road.
3. Visualise the ‘iceberg’
Lisamarie: Remember, behaviour or words that may be undesirable are just the tip of the iceberg. There is a need happening or a bigger picture forming below the water that has triggered your child’s behaviour. Understanding this and visualising an ‘iceberg’ can help us bring about a sense of curiosity, calm, and patience to try and find out what is happening for our child.
Offering a statement, “I can see you have a big feeling” or “I can see this is tricky for you” before you share an idea or state an expectation really helps children feel understood. Offering safe times to share feelings and general daily downloads are key as well. Times such as bathtime, storytime, bedtime cuddles or chats, drawing, small world play with animals, and journaling for older children give them the space to do a ‘brain dump’. This prepares children for the time that they are feeling ready and relaxed to share what is currently going on for them without being forced in the moment.
A big thank you to our panellists, Lisamarie Hughes and Natalie Loh from EtonHouse…
Lisamarie Hughes
Lisamarie Hughes is an educator from Wales, UK. Lisa joined EtonHouse in 2005 and is a mentor Principal who has led many schools from inception to success. She motivates and guides school leaders across all EtonHouse schools to tackle challenges, follow best practices, innovate, create and effectively engage with families and staff. She is currently the Principal at EtonHouse International School Sentosa and has pioneered the innovative ‘The Island is my Garden’ project that incorporates nature education and community engagement in a beautiful manner. She was also voted Principal of the Year (Kindergarten) at HoneyKids Singapore Education Award 2021. Lisa has a son who is studying in Year 3 at EtonHouse.
Natalie Loh
Natalie Loh has been with EtonHouse for the past 10 years and is currently the Principal at EtonHouse Pre-School Upper Bukit Timah. She believes in building a positive and collaborative partnership with families and that together with the school, parents can contribute towards a pristine learning environment for children to develop in. Inspired by the teaching and learning approach in Reggio Emilia, Italy. Natalie has invested in self-development professionally over the years as she participated in the International Study Group in Reggio Emilia. She has hosted workshops and talks locally and abroad. Natalie believes in inculcating values such as empathy, compassion and responsibility in the Upper Bukit Timah community, and these are things she strongly advocates for. Apart from many decades of experience as an educator, she is also a mother to a toddler and an infant.
