As parents, we all want our kids to grow up confident, secure, and in control of their well-being. But how do we empower them to set boundaries that protect their physical and emotional health?
In the sixth episode of Growing Pains, we dive deep into the art of teaching children to set and maintain healthy boundaries with transformational coach Priyanka Tiku-Gupta. She shares her insights and offers practical tips to help you raise resilient, boundary-savvy children.
Find out how to foster healthy relationships with your children and raise them to be confident, well-adjusted kids.
Time codes for key talking points in this podcast episode
00:00 – Welcome to Growing Pains
01:17 – Why do kids need boundaries?
03:41 – Common misconceptions about boundaries and ways to overcome them
08:23 – Creating your child’s belief systems
12:43 – Being kinder to ourselves as parents
17:10 – What are your non-negotiables as a parent?
22:04 – How can parents help children set healthy boundaries?
25:42 – Boundaries for teens on social media/devices
28:21 – Teaching kids empathy
29:55 – Unlearning and relearning as a parent
34:27 – Reflection on the conversation
Further reading
Featured voices
- Angela Neo, host of the Growing Pains podcast and mother of two.
- Sufyan Saad is a lifestyle writer at The Honeycombers. He was previously at HoneyKids Asia.
- Priyanka Tiku-Gupta is a Corporate Transformational coach, empowering ambitious corporate women to navigate feeling stuck, undervalued & vulnerable to feeling confident, calm and clear. Find out more about her work via her website. Follow her on Instagram.
Growing Pains is a modern parenting podcast where we tackle the constantly changing landscape of parenting in Singapore. This season, we dive deep into modern parenting challenges: navigating the digital age, teen mental health and more during our candid conversations with parents and experts on this Little Red Dot. Tune in now! Follow the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Full Transcript
Angela Neo
Parenting is a tough gig. It can be really easy to disappear into your role as a mum or dad and be defined by your children. But it’s important to set boundaries – not just so that you can be the best version of yourself and be a better parent, but also so that you can set a good example for your kids and let them know that they can and need to set boundaries so that they can grow into well-adjusted adults.
Welcome to Growing Pains, a podcast by HoneyKids Asia that explores the challenges of modern parenting and provides a safe space for parents to navigate the ever-changing landscape of parenthood.
My name is Ange; I’m a mum to two boys – Xavier, who’s 11 and Marcel, who’s 9.
In this episode, we chat with Life Coach and mum of 2, Priyanka Tiku-Gupta of PTG Wellness, about navigating boundaries with her family.
We’re going to learn about how her experiences as a life coach have informed her parenting style and significantly improved her relationship with her kids.
Hi, Priyanka. Thanks for joining us today. It’s so lovely to have you on the podcast.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Angela Neo
Now, I want to dive straight into the topic [of] this podcast episode. We’re talking about boundaries. So why do kids need to learn to set boundaries? And how important is this?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah, thank you for asking. So before we go into that question, I want to [share a] metaphor that [defines] what I think about boundaries. So, having no boundaries in life is like driving a car with no GPS system or, even worse, someone else’s GPS system. And I guess [that’s] important, right?
So, why [are boundaries important]? A lot of the adults come to me for therapy or coaching. When [I] work with them, [we] recognise that most of them live a version of their lives that they have perhaps been conditioned to believe is the right version. And for some, it works. But for some, after some time, it starts coming in the way of [them] being the person they want to be.
The second thing I want to say is that most of our belief systems and values are installed in us between the ages of zero and seven. Many of us adults use only 5% of our conscious minds. But [in] 95% of our subconscious mind is where all these beliefs, values, and behavioural systems are stored.
So if we teach our kids when they’re in the age of absorption, they start receiving the right values, belief systems, [gain an understanding of] what’s good, what’s not, what’s acceptable, what’s not, most of them will not come for therapy.
More importantly, I think more people will love themselves. More people will have more respect for them. The bottom line I see in most adults might come [to me] for a reason: ‘Oh, I want this promotion; I want to set up my business.’ But essentially, all it really comes down to [is], ‘I’m not feeling worthy of love, or I’m not worthy of myself, or I’m not worthy of respect or recognition.’ So, boundaries are important to teach. It’s important to teach children boundaries because that’s the age when they’re absorbing [and] learning.
So the way we teach them A-B-C [and] 1-2-3, it’s important to teach them how to actually know themselves, what’s acceptable, what’s not, so that they can install their own GPS system in their cars as they drive the journey of life.
Angela Neo
Yeah. So, what are some of the common misconceptions about boundaries? How can these be overcome?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah, I think boundaries are a bit of a loosely used word. I like to add the adjective, healthy boundaries. So boundaries [aren’t about being] rude to people or to be selfish. But it’s really about telling people, or telling yourself, ‘This is what’s important to me; these are my non-negotiables.’
If I cannot communicate [these non-negotiables] to the rest of the world, I’m allowing myself to be a victim of what the world tells me to do. So, when you [see a] puppet show and the puppet has strings, right? So if you don’t have your own boundaries, you’re almost giving those strings to others, to the people of the world to pull those strings.
But if you are the puppeteer of the puppets, then you tell people, ‘This is how I want to live my life; this is what is important to me.’ It doesn’t necessarily need to be rude. So, most people think, ‘Oh, you’re rude, or you’re too blunt, or you’re so selfish,’ [when you articulate your boundaries, but it’s a bit like saying to them, ‘Unless I love myself, feel worthy of myself and respected, I can’t bring that out to the world.’ Because what happens inside me is what will happen outside me.
Angela Neo
What are the different types of boundaries that children should know about? Could you give us some practical tips [for] speaking to our kids about them?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Sure. So, for kids, depending on [their] age, I will say that there are three important boundaries. One is physical space.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
The second is emotional boundaries. The third is [dependent] on how spiritual you are as a family. So, what I like to do is to agree on what our non-negotiables are as a family. Everybody’s boundaries will be different. For some people, a pat on the back is fine, or a hug is fine. But for some people, it’s not.
So, understand what are your family’s non-negotiables, and then [communicate]. Depending on how old your children are, have a very open chat with them. Communication is really important if you want to set boundaries and teach your children ways to communicate that to others, but more importantly, if they don’t believe this is important, they will not communicate it.
So, have a very open conversation. Make this something you discuss at the dinner table as well. So for physical space, it probably doesn’t happen so much in Singapore, but there are countries where there [are] a lot of people, sometimes people stand really close to you, or they literally breathe down your neck.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
[The] framework I use is ‘Observation, Impact and Recommendation.’ So you give that observation to the person and say, ‘Hey, I’m noticing that you’re standing a little too close to me. You obviously don’t see the impact of that.’ Depending on who you’re talking to, you can just say, ‘That makes me feel a little uncomfortable. So I would really like you to move a little bit further away.’
So if you follow that feedback model [of] observation and its impact on you, [followed by] the recommendation, it’s very non-judgmental. There’s no defence. You almost don’t give people a way to defend that feedback because people go, ‘Okay.’
So, my younger one had a friend. She came for my child’s birthday celebration. Suddenly, one fine day, [this friend] decided to stop speaking to [my daughter]. My younger one was a bit disturbed. She came and talked to me about it.
Angela Neo
Oh, it’s crushing when your friend doesn’t like you anymore.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
[My daughter was like], ‘she left me unread on WhatsApp.’ It was really hard. Luckily, there was a break. They went on a break. When she returned from [the] school holidays, I [asked her], ‘So how’s this friend?’ [My younger one] said, ‘She’s still not talking to me. And then, three months later, this friend comes to [my daughter] and says, ‘I’m really sorry; I want us to be friends again.’
[As it was happening,] my daughter and I talked, and I said to her, “Look, maybe something is going on with her. It’s not about you.’ So, [I was] reminding my child that there was nothing wrong with her. I was helping her set an emotional boundary. There could be something happening with the other person. So, you know, [we need to] help them distil the emotional aspect of it.
I was really proud [of my younger one] because this friend said to her, ‘Hey, let’s be friends again.’ My younger one told her, ‘You know what, I’m really glad you’ve come back. But I would need time to become friends like we used to be.’ I thought that was really amazing.
Angela Neo
Yeah, good for her.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
That only came from a place of self-love and self-respect. [She understands] that ‘I have a voice, I could speak about this in a way that is important to me.’ The third is spiritual boundaries. So again, depending on how important it is to you as a family, I like to create a feeling of self-discovery, self-love, and reflection.
So, if your child does something wrong, [and] if you as an adult, say, ‘Oh my god, you’re really stupid, or you’re not gonna get this, why are you not like that friend,’ what happens is you’re actually creating that belief system in your child that he or she is really stupid.
Versus then telling the child that, ‘Hey, let’s just pause here. Let’s reflect on what’s happening.’ Ask your child to think about what [he or she] could have done better or what [he or she] could have done well. Now, you might argue, ‘Is this really being spiritual?’ And I think spirituality and practicality are the same because you’re teaching your child to look inwards, reflect on what happened, and then come out with the belief system that, ‘Yeah, this is what I could do.’
So you’re teaching them how to recognise themselves. Spirituality is all about the self, self-love, self-leadership, and recognising what’s working and what’s not. So there are ways that I like to teach my children [about] the importance of setting these physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries in practical ways.
Angela Neo
How can we, as parents, help to empower our children to stick up for themselves if others ignore their boundaries?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
This is something I learned a little late in the day. We, as parents, are always role models for our children.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
So we are always modelling. Whether we like it or not, they’re looking at us. They’re checking in and seeing how we are behaving. So if we tell them to stand up for themselves, but if we don’t stand up for ourselves, they’ll have a conflict. So, the first and most important thing to do is model the right behaviour. So walk the talk, show them in a situation that this is possible.
So, for example, if I tell my kids that it’s important to meditate, or it’s important to do some physical exercise, and I don’t do any of that, they’re not going to learn that value system or that self-leadership aspect. So modelling is really important and more so when they’re younger because the only person they’re looking up to is you. So modelling is really important.
The second is allowing them to feel love and support at home. Home is a place where we all literally put our feet up. So if they don’t feel that environment at home that they can come and share what’s really going on, and they don’t communicate with you, you will never know where your child is failing or not succeeding or doing well at setting a boundary.
So having that environment at home where they feel like, ‘yes, this is a place they can relax and be themselves.’ We all go out to the world where we put up a certain version of ourselves and then come home. So I have my kids literally sprawled on the floor when they come home with the dog. And it’s like three of them on the floor. It’s like having three pets in the house.
It’s comforting. So I think more communication and modelling. [Thirdly] I would say to be open as parents and be okay to be challenged. Your kids are mirroring you, and they will also be your mirrors.
Sometimes, they will say things to you that you may have thought of, or [that you] may not have thought of, but they will allow you to rethink [things] if you [have] an open mindset [and are] willing to learn and listen. It’s okay to be challenged by our children.
Angela Neo
I love the part about communication. I think it’s so key in terms of this topic. But I think [honestly] we can’t always be perfect. When we are the role model for [them], there are [times] when we have a bad day…
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah.
Angela Neo
It’s okay to acknowledge that with our kids as well because there’s so much pressure on us. From zero to seven, they build up all this self-esteem and figure out who they will be in the world. I really don’t want to mess that up. (Laughs)
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah. Yeah.
Angela Neo
But it’s also being able to go, ‘Do you know what? I’m not perfect. I’m gonna do the best I can.’
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah.
Angela Neo
So what do we do in that instance? If we are failing miserably? (Laughs)
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
No, but you’re absolutely right. It is a hard job being a parent. I say this to my clients, ‘You know, my two most difficult clients are my kids because I don’t know what they want at any point [in] time. The last strategy doesn’t work.’
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
And I have to keep reinventing myself. But I think you’re absolutely right. [You can] show them that it’s okay that you’re having a bad day.
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
You’re also teaching them that. You’re also teaching them that it’s okay. You make mistakes. You learn from them. About a year ago, my daughter said to me, ‘I’m not sure what you did, but I’m really glad you left your corporate job because you’re just a nicer mother now.’
And I said to myself, ‘Oh, my God, this is the universe telling me that [I’m] on the right path.’ And then she said, “You know, when I was 10, and I was 12….” And she listed [things]. She obviously had gone for therapy herself because she had these incidents where I probably was not nice to her.
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
And the older me would have said, ‘How dare you talk to me like this? And I’m your mother.’ And I just looked at her, and I said…
Angela Neo
You go into defence.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
I said, “I’m really sorry that I did that. And I’m really glad you’re telling me now. But I promise not to do that. But yes, you know, Mama can also make mistakes.”
There are days when I cry. I tell people that crying is like sweating in the mental gym. It’s okay to release it. You are absolutely right. You model the good and the bad. Just being more human.
Angela Neo
I think it’s important for our kids to see us fail sometimes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah.
Angela Neo
We don’t want to do it in [regards] to them, but being able to say to them, ‘You know what? Mommy made a big mistake?’
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah.
Angela Neo
And for them to go, ‘Oh, she is human; she isn’t this kind of shining beacon of perfection.’
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Exactly.
Angela Neo
Because if we’re setting ourselves up for that, we will fail. We’re not going to allow them to be able to succeed either, right? If we’re seen as this vision of perfection all the time.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah. Absolutely. And I tell my kids, ‘There’s no such thing as failure; there’s only feedback.’ So if you don’t do well, it’s okay. There is a lot of feedback [in] that. Look for that. To me, if the only time you really fail is if you make mistakes repeatedly and you don’t pause, you don’t reflect.
Angela Neo
That’s right, we need to learn from them.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
We need to learn.
Angela Neo
So, how do we address situations where our boundaries are diametrically different or conflict with our child’s boundaries? So, for instance, what do we do if I want my child to do one thing, and they don’t want to do it?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah, that’s a hard one. I think it all starts with going back to the whiteboard, right? So, what is a non-negotiable for you as a family? So, what are the value systems? Is this a boundary for our family? So if honesty, respect, all of that is a non-negotiable, if it doesn’t [cover those], then it’s important to communicate to them why. [For example, you can say,] ‘I’m observing that you’re being dishonest a few times; [it] makes me wonder, what’s really going on?’
[I would also say,] ‘Would you like to come and talk to me if you’re unsure about a decision?’ So, go back and clarify the non-negotiables and use that feedback model to communicate. The second [thing] would be asking yourselves, what about [their actions] is making you uncomfortable as a parent, so take time to reflect on that. So, for example, my daughter wanted to go to this party, which was like the party of the 11th grade. Everyone was going, and I just said, ‘No.’
And I’m normally very open. And I just said, ‘No, you’re not going.’ [I told her the reason.] I said, ‘Look, you are not 18. I’m not allowing any situation to come up where you could be in danger. Because we know the laws and everything, this is a critical time for you, etc.’ And then I said, ‘You may not understand this right now because you’re obviously 18. I was like that when I was 18. But someday, you will thank me for it.’ So, to me, that was a non-negotiable. I said no. She didn’t exactly like it.
Angela Neo
No… (Laughs)
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
We moved on. We moved on. I hope so.
Angela Neo
And I think you’re right. I think one day, she will reflect when she’s going through the same situation with her own children. There are times when, as parents, it’s about safety and other areas that you must bring into the decision-making.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Exactly. Because in this situation, I [can’t do anything] if something happens, right? I can’t argue with the law. So it’s a non-negotiable. But then there are situations [that call for reflection]. There was another situation where she was challenging my status quo. It was a very different way of thinking. I had never thought of situations like that. And I paused and said, ‘Okay, what about this makes me uncomfortable? Is that really valid anymore? And how can I get over that uncomfortableness?’
And then we came to a compromise. We cannot take two steps forward. You have to know which end of the spectrum you’re in, knowing what’s your non-negotiable, communicate, and then being open to being challenged.
Angela Neo
Many times in my parenting journey, I’ve said, ‘I really don’t want this for my children.’ It’s usually around technology. I don’t want them to play video games, so I tell them why.
Then you need to kind of change that goalpost slightly if their peers have something or are doing something. I’ve had to make those adjustments myself. Sometimes, it feels quite uncomfortable. Because I just want kids to be kids for as long as they can, particularly as mine are getting up to that tween age.
You can see [how] so many things will come very quickly. You’re only a child once; it never happens again. But, at the same time, I want him to be in the conversation and do the things that his peers are. So that’s been really quite challenging.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
I use this metaphor with a few of my friends about raising a child. I don’t even say ‘raising’; I say ‘cultivating.’ No, they’re not plants to be raised. Cultivating a child is like riding a horse. You have to know how to keep loosening the…
Angela Neo
The reins…
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
The reins.
Angela Neo
Yea
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
A lot of people are not comfortable with that. This is harder for a lot of Asian parents. It’s also allowing your child to fail.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
That’s when the biggest learning comes. So my daughter was arguing with me about a few months ago because I kept saying, ‘You’re not reading; it’s important for you to read; you’re getting to high school. And she’s like, ‘No, I don’t like to read. You don’t know how much I read.’ I sat with her, I communicated the importance of reading, and I showed her I gave her some recommendations. It didn’t make any difference.
[Then], she had a test where she scored really low on reading. She said, ‘You know, I think you’re right.’ And I said, ‘Okay, I’m glad you’re feeling this. I want you to think about creating a SMART goal for this. How are you going to make sure that you don’t feel bad about this going forward? It’s not about me anymore. It’s about you; you need to own your strengths and understand how to weaken your weaknesses.’
I could have forced 20 books down her throat, which is another style of leadership and parenting. But I allowed her to go through her own experiences.
Angela Neo
Is it possible for kids to set boundaries with us? Do you think as parents?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah. Growing up in this digital age, and data, consent, and all of that, I get that all the time. I’m quite active on Instagram and create videos with my kids.
For example, it was a Sunday, and I asked my kids to make their own beds on at least a Sunday. That was not working, and then I gamified it, and I did some goal setting and got them to recognise how it’s not so difficult to do these things. Then, I created a video. It was a time-lapse video because I knew my daughters didn’t like being on my Instagram. I almost got blasted for that.
She was standing up for herself. She told me I made her uncomfortable. So she used the same model back on me. So you have to be careful of that. She gave me her observation. She told me the impact of that. And then she told me, ‘Next time you want to put anything of me, could you just check in with me?’
I thought for a minute, I was like, ‘Oh my God! How dare you talk to me?’ And I said, stop. I’m not modelling the right behaviour. She is standing up for herself. She’s telling me she’s uncomfortable. So it’s absolutely fine for children to do that. In fact, if they’re doing that, it’s actually telling you that you’re doing a good job at [setting boundaries].
Angela Neo
Yeah. And if we’re empowering them, we should be excited to see them do that, really! How can technology and social media impact a child’s ability to set boundaries? How can parents help their children navigate these challenges? It’s a tough one.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
You can’t avoid social media. Again, you have to go back to your non-negotiable as a family, like what are your time limits? What’s allowed and not allowed at the breakfast table and lunches? Set those rules for your kids because that’s your boundary towards social media as a family.
Once in a while, I will tell them, if I notice that they’re on their phones too much, ‘Hey, can I just look at your screen time?’ That is enough for them to feel like something’s wrong.
Angela Neo
It’s actually quite shocking.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah, it is.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
So, I keep checking in on them to remind them that this is not the healthiest [way to spend their] time. I am reminding them what they could do with that time. So we did a bit of an exercise. I told my kids to get off Instagram for a week. Just try it for one week.
And then notice what all you get done in that one week. So make a list of things you don’t have time to do. So read for 10 minutes, walk for 15 minutes, walk the dog in the night, and just take off [from] social media and then notice how much time you suddenly have, and allow them to experience that themselves versus saying I’m not going to allow you to do this.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
So you have to keep checking in with them. You have to understand the non-negotiables for your families, implement them, and model them.
Angela Neo
Exactly. That’s the hardest part as parents…
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
So modelling [and] implementing certain exercises so that they realise that impact. I [also] think the safety aspect of it isn’t discussed enough.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
My younger one was calling some celebrity number the other day. I saw the message because she was talking to me about it. I said, ‘What did you call it?’ She said, ‘Oh, this is the number, and he’s a celebrity.’
I picked up my phone. I asked her, ‘Can I just see what you did?’ And when I saw it, it was a US number. This could be a scam number. I shared with her the dangers of this. I gave her a bit of a reality check. So it’s important to ensure they are safe. [It’s] not just about the time spent on social media.
Angela Neo
Children and teenagers don’t really understand risk. In the same way, they’re more likely to take risks. They don’t understand the consequences of behaviours. Being online is very different from being in-person. So, saying something unkind to someone’s face is much harder than typing it and sending it off into the stratosphere.
Some people recommend they say, look, when your teenager gets a phone, you should always do spot checks. They have to allow you to look at everything they’re doing. They have to let you follow them. Do you think that’s overstepping their privacy? Or where do you sit on that front?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
No, I think that’s important. So I think that goes back to what’s the social media boundary as a family.
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
So you set those rules, and they can be different. For me, it will be once a month; I’ll spot-check. So that really depends on family to family. There’s no right and wrong. I think the spot check is a bit like telling them, I’ll come for PTA.
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
And I will know what the hell is going on.
Angela Neo
The teachers are gonna tell me.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
It’s okay to have that knowing. They should also know there are dangers. My kids got their phones later than their peers. We also set a boundary about the kind of apps [they] can have. It was just music and WhatsApp and a few contacts and families.
Angela Neo
What about those parents whose children perhaps aren’t as receptive to our kind of conversations about boundary setting? What advice do you have for those parents who feel overwhelmed by the process or are just struggling to break through in terms of setting expectations?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
There are a lot of friends and also people I know whose kids are in the teenage zone. [They are] pretty much shutting the door, which is difficult. I mean, it’s hard, right? They’re like, ‘I’m the parent. They should respect me,’ and I think people misunderstand being feared for being respected.
You can respect someone, but you don’t need to fear them. For such parents, spend some time with yourself and look back on the chapters of life and say, ‘Okay, what did I do? What could I have done better.’ Then, have the humbleness and the ability to say, ‘I made some mistakes.’ Communicate openly with kids. The only thing kids need from us is love and unconditional support because they don’t get it outside.
You’re the only person in this world they look up to for that. They don’t get it from their friends or school teachers; they don’t get it from them. That unconditional love – they won’t get anywhere. So, if you haven’t given them that, reflect, ask yourself, and be brave and open to having that conversation with them.
Angela Neo
It is said that teaching kids about boundaries can also lead to the development of empathy. What do you make of this?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Yeah, I think empathy to me is being able to love and receive love, right? So, if you are someone who knows his or her boundaries, that also means that you have certain self-love and self-respect. And if you have that, it’s natural and flowing for you to have it for others.
So if you’re stuck in your own belief system, you don’t love yourself enough, you don’t think you’re good enough, you don’t have any capacity to have that for others. So, if you are someone who has a boundary, you love and respect yourself. It’s okay to be able to give that to others.
Angela Neo
Besides setting boundaries, what else should children know about or should we be teaching them?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
I would say to be fearless and always turn the mirror inward. Many of us go into a situation and say, ‘he didn’t do this, you didn’t do that.’ And the minute I catch myself talking about other people, I stop and think, ‘What did I do? What could I have done?’
You know, the answers are all within. So, I like to teach my children first to stop, reflect, and understand what they have done. What could they have done better? What’s really going on inside and be okay to communicate that, be okay to communicate that to yourself.
And then work through some of those limiting beliefs and emotions. Because at the end of the day, the only thing I wish for my kids when they leave home is that they believe in themselves. They have a love for themselves.
Angela Neo
Being a parent today is so different from the past. As a parent yourself, what are some things you’ve had to unlearn? And we talked a little; we touched on this earlier. What have you had to unlearn and then relearn when parenting your daughters?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
For a start, the education system my kids went through, and the system I went through was very different. When she was much younger, I would go into these PTAs and ask the teacher, ‘What is the grade, and is [it] 80% or 90%?; Because that’s the system I knew.
Angela Neo
Yes.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
That [was the] first time I recognised this is a different world. [The teachers] kept telling me my child’s amazing. And I was like, ‘What is she doing wrong?’
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
I was only focusing on what she did wrong. Now, I recognise that this system is different. So, I changed my narrative. So next time I would go [for the PTAs], I would celebrate my child for doing so well in front of her because I know that what she needs is love and support and recognition. I think many of us don’t celebrate ourselves with small or big wins.
I changed the way I asked that question. I asked, ‘How can I support her when she needs the support?’ So it’s a different way of [thinking].
Angela Neo
Yes…
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
My children taught me to challenge the status quo through various experiences or situations. So, I had to find my way into their education system. Many of my friends moved their kids to a system they knew better.
[Growing up], I always feared authority. You feared older people, you feared them, and you couldn’t say anything in front of them even if you liked to. [My kids] taught me that it’s okay to speak up. I think I also helped them to find their own voice. So you can still respect someone but don’t have to fear authority.
When I grew up, there were limited options for what one could do in life. Now, with the world we’re all growing up in, I recognise their world is limitless. A lot of times, they will come to me and share their ideas and plans. I was like, ‘Oh, my God, are you crazy? That’s such a big thing.’ So, I recognise their limitless world and avoid looking for what’s safe and secure.
Angela Neo
Even the career paths are changing. I mean, many of the careers that were the bread and butter of employment when we were younger will not exist in the future.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Exactly.
Angela Neo
Or, they’ll exist in a very different way.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
I don’t think there is a job for my 12-year-old out there right now.
Angela Neo
Yeah.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
So allowing them to be limitless. They taught me how to change my way of being and thinking. I think I was fortunate enough to be self-aware to rethink matters instead of just being fixed in my own mindset.
Angela Neo
So, Priyanka, any last comments on boundary setting and advice for parents out there?
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
The first thing I want to say is it’s a tough job. So be kind to yourself. There’s no book you can read. You have to really go back to the drawing block and ask yourself what [are the] behaviours you want for your child. Each family has a different belief system, a different non-negotiable. So be kind, set your own unique values and non-negotiables, and be open.
Just be open to what your children throw at you. They are our mirrors. It’s a bit like a two-way street. They are mirroring us. So, sometimes, they will mirror to you what you may not be seeing or be able to see that clearly. So just be open. So be kind, set your boundaries and be open.
Angela Neo
Love it. Thank you so much, Priyanka, thanks for joining us.
Priyanka Tiku-Gupta
Thank you so much.
Angela Neo
Thank you, Priyanka, for our chat today. I am now joined by our Podcast Producer, Suf, to tell you a little about this episode. Hey Suf.
Sufyan Saad
Hello.
Angela Neo
So, what have you learned from today’s episode?
Sufyan Saad
Wow, I used to think boundary setting is something you learn as you [get] older, but you must start from young. Personally, I did not know how to set boundaries, and because of that, as I grow older, I’ve become such a people pleaser. Most of the time, I thought it’s just normal, but [then] you realise it’s not. It’s actually affecting you.
I wish I had learnt this a lot earlier when I was younger so then I would know where are the areas where I don’t want people to come close to [me]. When it comes to physical boundaries or when it comes to telling people, ‘No, I’m not agreeable with this,’ and so on and so forth. If only I had learnt earlier. So kids should know these things, and I’m glad that Priyanka said that it’s something we should be teaching our kids. Parents should be teaching their kids [about boundaries].
Angela Neo
Yeah, I definitely think it builds resilience. As parents, so much of our instinct is to protect the children. But often, when we’re protecting them, we’re not allowing them to learn how to solve problems themselves.
Sufyan Saad
Oh yeah, exactly, that’s the thing.
Angela Neo
Yeah, we’ve always said that throughout all the seasons. I’ve mentioned that we are caretakers in our children’s lives. If we solve all their problems, they will not be able to flourish as an adult; we fail in our job as parents.
But [that’s tricky] sometimes. Because if they are struggling, you just want to go into that problem-solving mode rather than teaching them about how they set their boundaries and how they can navigate these issues themselves.
Sufyan Saad
Yeah. I think it’s more like you give them the tools they need, and then they can do it for themselves rather than imposing it on them. They will never learn. For me, this episode is where I unlearn being a people pleaser.
There’s a difference between pleasing people, which results in my own detriment, and relearning that it’s okay to set boundaries and everyone will be okay with that. Ange, have you taught your boys about setting boundaries? If yes, how did it go? If not, how do you plan to broach this topic with them?
Angela Neo
It’s interesting. So, yes, the answer is yes. But more implicitly rather than explicitly. So, in terms of your body and the boundaries that you wanna set there, we’ve had chats about that because it’s really important for them to feel safe around other people and be able to say, ‘No, I don’t want a hug’ or whatever the situation is and being confident to be able to say, ‘you’re invading my personal space.’
We always set boundaries, where I suppose agreements around screen time, bedtime, and expectations regarding helping out with chores at home. But they constantly change as well. So what I’m learning in terms of boundaries setting or setting expectations is I need to be willing to change the goalpost if things change and they’re growing. Also, to listen to them when it comes to setting those expectations. And I also love what Priyanka said about them mirroring what we do.
Sufyan Saad
Yes.
Angela Neo
And I am very conscious of that. If I’m saying to the boys, what is the agreement in terms of iPad use or technology use? What should we stand for as a family? What’s a reasonable amount of time you can spend [on devices]? Well, I also have to do it. I can’t sit on Instagram for 4 hours while they’re sitting there, you know, doing their homework, going, ‘Mummy gets 4 hours, why…’ It’s not a great example, so I must hold myself up to that mirror.
Sufyan Saad
I think that’s the thing also. It’s also about setting an example for them and being accountable if you’re doing something that goes against what you’re trying to teach your kids, and you have to be aware of that as well.
Angela Neo
Yeah, even when it comes to reading. At the moment, I am focusing on encouraging all of us to read – by all of us, I mean myself as well. So, I will sit and read while Marcel reads his book, which isn’t what he loves doing right now. Because if I’m telling him to read, but then I’m watching The Real Housewives, I don’t think that’s fair from his perspective.
Sufyan Saad
Yes, yes, yes.
Angela Neo
Well, I think we’ve talked a lot about boundary setting. I will go self-reflect now and check my Instagram usage on my phone. Well, that brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks, Suf.
Sufyan Saad
Thank you.
Angela Neo
Thanks all for listening, and we will see you next time.
We hope you enjoyed this episode! Let us know what you think at [email protected]. Tune into the final episode of Season 4 next week.