Why are families without helpers so out of the ordinary in Singapore? Is it really that much of a struggle? Helper-free mum Katrijn de Ronde talks to three DIY mums who share all…
I had my heart set on hiring a helper when we came to Singapore. I’ve never been the house proud type, and after combining being a working mum and the daily commute with our daughter’s inflexible nursing and bedtime schedule back home, it seemed like heaven to have live-in help. Somebody to clean the house, to cook the food, to be around during that crucial last hour of the day in which everything needs to happen simultaneously, including the inevitable toddler meltdown.
But reality never quite works out the way you imagine it will, and we ended up not hiring a helper. This often prompts raised eyebrows: how do we cope? Honestly, it can be a struggle. (I particularly hate grocery shopping with toddlers in tow.) Luckily, I am not the only one going DIY. These three ladies have some helpful insights on how to make this way of living work in Singapore.
Iva Aminuddin, Singaporean, 36
Iva Aminuddin and her husband let their helper go two years ago, when their twin boys were two years old. The most importance difference is a feeling of relaxation in the house. “With the helper, it was transactional relationship. We were paying her, so I had certain expectations of her work,” says Iva. “Now my husband is at home, I cut him a lot of slack.”
At first, both Iva and her husband were working full-time. The children went to daycare, and family helped out. “My husband is a kindergarten teacher. He’d come home tired from looking after other people’s children and had no energy for our own,” says Iva. “He wanted a break.” He looks after the boys, who go to school most days, and the household tasks such as snacks, laundry and cooking. “Or we go over to my mum’s for dinner.”
The family does not own a car and mainly hangs out in the neighbourhood. “We’ve edited our lifestyle to meet our needs,” says Iva. She doesn’t mind. “Some people simply can’t afford a helper or a car. I feel blessed that we have the choice.”
Pixie Seligman, New Zealander, 35
“Every couple of months I ask my husband, are we still coping without a helper? Because I may be fine with it, but I don’t want him to feel he has to come home to do the dishes every evening,” says New Zealand-born Pixie. “But so far he’s happy.” The mother of three was pregnant with her eldest when she and her husband arrived in Singapore four years ago. Not having live-in help is not a matter of principle. “In the beginning it wasn’t necessary with both of us working and hardly home. And after we had the children, it was more a case of not ever deciding to get help.”
That doesn’t mean Pixie does it all alone. “We got a cleaner once a week after our daughter was born. And when I was pregnant with my third, I felt really horrible. I just couldn’t face cooking. So now we have a woman who comes in on Tuesdays to do some cleaning and to cook a few meals.” Pixie does most of her bulky shopping online, has a really good (“but really big”) pram and lives in conveniently located Tiong Bahru. “We walk almost everywhere. I haven’t been on the MRT in years.”
The family has a set routine: wake up at 6am, walk husband Pete to the station, then off to the playground to burn some energy. The two eldest attend nursery a few mornings a week. The afternoons are mostly spent at home, for naps. Husband Pete helps out when he’s home and can look after all the children on his own. At 7pm all three are in bed. That is the magic ingredient, says Pixie: “I don’t think I could do it if they weren’t good sleepers on a good routine.”
Laura Saleh, British, 36
“When we first arrived, I wasn’t aware of how common having a helper is in Singapore,” says Laura Saleh, mother of a 16 month-old-daughter. “We were absorbed by our baby, by the move. It never crossed our minds to get one.” One year later, the family is happily settled in Singapore with a regular routine of mums and tots activities, nap schedules and a fair amount of visitors. “I do the cleaning, which does mean we don’t have a pristine house,” admits Laura. “And my husband is a fantastic cook.” For deliveries, they sometimes use the drop-off lockers available at the local community club.
Although she can definitely see the benefits of having live-in help when it comes to flexibility, Laura uses her knowledge as a therapist and a facilitator of the Mindful Mums group to keep herself grounded. “It’s a personal thing, but I try not to compare myself and my life to other people. That is a great way to stress yourself out.”
Laura is planning to go back to work in the near future, working part-time as a therapist. She foresees a regular cleaning lady in the future, probably on a part-time basis. “We’re not dead set against ever having a helper,” says Laura. “Babies change, work changes, life changes. It’s under rolling review.”
Survival tips from mums without helpers:
- Order your groceries online via FairPrice, Redmart or Cold Storage.
- Hire part-time help with cleaning or cooking via temp agencies such as Helpling.
- Hire a car or a maxi cab for days with lots of outings and/or errands.
- Join a group like Mindful Mums, where you can share your experiences in a safe environment, or Stork’s Nest on Facebook, where you can ask for practical tips.
- Playgrounds are dotted all over Singapore, and are wonderful spots for children to play and interact with other kids – and for you to meet other mums, too. Even if you have one in your condo, venture out!