How to become a foster parent with Sanctuary House
It takes a village. We’ve all heard this when it comes to raising kids, but where is the village? When distance, values and priorities come into play, it’s easy to become disconnected from the support network of extended family. When the cracks get wider, it’s easy to fall through the gap. It’s hard to believe this could happen in Singapore but foster mother, Charlotte Cain, assures us it can. Charlotte shares with us about her involvement with Sanctuary House, the 3 children she has helped care for, and the amazing difference fostering has made to her family.
Hi Charlotte, you’re so committed to giving back. Tell us about your involvement with Sanctuary House?
My husband and I are volunteer foster parents with Sanctuary House and we’ve had the honour of fostering 3 children over the past 3 years. Two of the children were newborn babies, who were both given up for adoption at birth. The third child came to us at 4 months old and she has continued to stay periodically. She is now 21/2 years old and has gone from living with us full-time to now spending most of her time with her reconciled family, which is just wonderful.
How did you get involved in caring for these infants in Singapore?
We read an article in Straits Times 8 years ago about Sanctuary House and it triggered something in us. Foster parenting has always been something our family has wanted to do, but the timing was not right for us at that particular time. I kept the article, knowing that one day this is what we would be doing. Once our daughters’ were grown up, we felt we were ready to take on the responsibility of caring for children in need.
Where did this desire to help come from?
In essence both my husband and I wanted to ‘give back’. We lead such a privileged life here in Singapore and we love children. We knew we were in a position to give these children the love and care they need. We both believe that every child deserves a chance and to experience love.
What has it been like to work with Sanctuary House?
They have been wonderful and supportive. As foster parents we can call them anytime for input and advice and they also provide all the practical aspects of baby/childcare such as diapers, clothing, milk car seats and toys. They do a great job and perform a very important function in working with the mothers and families to enable them to get back on their feet and for the family to be re-united.
With the affluence we all see in Singapore it’s hard to imagine that there are children in need. What has led to these children needing help?
In our case, the two newborns we cared for were given up for adoption at birth. The parents of one baby were young teenagers; the mother of the other baby was unmarried and singlehandedly caring for her sick and elderly parents – both financially and physically.
When a society is built on family support, those who do not have this can easily fall between the cracks. Singapore does have strong social services, but receiving help from social services is not a part of many peoples’ lives. There is also a long waitlist for childcare and this makes it difficult for single parents to rise above their situation. If there is no care available for their child, a parent cannot work and therefore might be unable to afford the cost of basic needs for their child.
What help does exist in Singapore for people in this situation?
Sanctuary House social workers support parents at every level so that they can get back on their feet in terms of finding work, housing and medical care. Personally, we have also had extraordinary support from White Lodge East Coast with the generous offering of a scholarship for the child in our care. This has made a tremendous impact on her ability to access and learn skills like any other child her age, and also to prepare for full-time daycare. Now that her parents are back on their feet, she will eventually attend a day care near home so she can get the care she needs and they can maintain full-time work.
As well as fostering young children, you also have grown up daughters. How has this experience changed your family?
Being foster parents is a family decision and one that needs to be taken very seriously by all members of the family. We discussed it thoroughly with both our daughters – Olivia, 26, lives here in Singapore, and Amanda 25, is based in Vancouver. We all felt this was something we wanted and needed to do. We had several interviews with Sanctuary House to ensure that we had considered all aspects. Fostering has made us much more aware of different side of Singapore – people who need a little help. We have always been a close family but this experience has brought us together even more. Caring for a baby and young child has changed our lives in that our priorities have shifted and we feel we have a much stronger connection with Singapore.
There are many different types of Mum in the world and you don’t necessarily have to give birth to care for a child. What is your experience of being a mum in 2 very different ways?
I feel incredibly privileged. I love children and to be able to be part of giving a child a positive and loving start in life is something that is very close to my heart. As foster parents we can help when parents are unable to do so themselves, and ensure that a child gets the love and support they deserve. My own daughters grew up here in privileged circumstances and it has been very rewarding, as a mother to them, to also see them grow from the experience of fostering.
After caring and loving such young babies, how do you manage the emotional challenge when you have to hand these children back to their mothers?
The children we have fostered will always be a part of our hearts. It is, of course, extremely emotional when a baby or child takes the next step in their life to move in with a new family or return to their birth family. They do leave a huge empty space but will always be in our hearts and we do take some time to come to terms with the ‘empty nest’.
But it is also incredibly rewarding to see them take this next step, as it means the fostering process has achieved what it is supposed to and these children are moving on to another place, or back to their home, where they will continue to live in a loving and caring family.
Do you stay in touch with the children after they move on?
Our responsibility with the first 2 babies we fostered was to care for them until adoptive parents were found by MCCY (Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth). They lived with us for approximately 4 months and we were incredibly privileged that the adoptive parents of both babies were interested in meeting us so we could share with them all that we knew of the babies personalities, likes and dislikes, and routines.
I prepared a little memory package for each child of their time with us, including photos, favourite toys, clothes and a letter from us to the child. The adoptive parents can decide whether they wish to share this with the children when they are older. Happily both sets of adoptive parents have chosen to include the history of foster-care in their children’s life story and we have the wonderful pleasure of having visits of both the children and parents. We love our role as ‘Uncle and Auntie’ and being able to see the children grow so happily.
We have developed a lovely relationship with the little girl that has been with us for the past 2 and a half years, and over this time we have become close with her mother and father as well. This should make the eventual transition from living with us back to her parents much easier.
What do you think makes a great Mother?
Someone who loves you, cares for you – enables you and inspires you.
You’re an inspiration! Thank you for sharing with us Charlotte.
Sanctuary House is a charity that provides a safe haven for babies and helps parents make informed decisions about their future. In addition to fostering, they welcome volunteers and donations to support their services including counselling and casework.
